Yesterday and today my heart hurts

I think things are really coming down to reality - the first two weeks were so surreal (thanks in part to not eating or sleeping) and this week I've tried to keep things very practical and moving forward.

Granted, I've had ALOT of emotional help (you know who you are my dears!)

but still, walking to the car yesterday I though for a fleeting minute that I would wait for Robot in the rotary and that the weather was so nice maybe he'd like to go to central square to that yummy food place and to Bukaroo... Then I remembered

It happened today too. Sitting in my office trying to do my first real work in 3 weeks... I have the window open and I looked out and it was so nice, I picked up the phone to dial his extenation (as I used to every day several times a day for 5 years...) to see if he wanted to have lunch in the square and get a boba tea.... Then I remembered

Why does your mind play tricks on you like that?

I saw the Dr. last night - he is still very concerend that I not be alone and I am trying very hard - but I sat in the car last night for over an hour in the parking lot of his office just sitting and sitting. Alone

I did get to go to T's house and drink wine and eat food and be a little normal - even recorded something for the pod cast, but still - there is so much heart ache and sadness

People are helping but I wish time would move forward faster

I am desperate to get this house sold and to get the other paper work done - I never wanted a divorce but it is clear that is the only way - why does it come to this

I bit the apple, and so did he - the time we spent together wasn't a lie - right? Those feelings, he really felt them too - right?

I am still scarred, still empty, still hoping - but for what I do not know as it is clear that no matter what I do or what I want - I have to find something that is me to move forward with

Please don't let me make a mistake - or always think of Robot as a mistake. At the moment I don't - I still feel like it was real and that this reality is just altered and doesn't negate the one we had... But I still wonder.

I gave him the best I had - I was my best for him. And he told me it was both too good and not good enough. Is he being the best for himself now - I hope so, that is what I will try to do, bet eh best me and hope that someday someone can appreciate that long-term and not just for stabalization before their next life adventure - I'm through being the in between person. I want to be a forever person
for me.

it is not fair that I have to end this relationship over email

Where is the justice in that?

Everytime the phone rings my heart stops. It's been 2 weeks and still this happens.

he is going to email me his "plans" tonight

I took drugs so that I didnt lie awake and wait for the plans, I couldn;'t get my heart to stop racing and me to stop sweating. I have to get up at 4:15 to take my sister home

i want to get on a plan and go get an explanation - I dreampt where they are. If i hang out there long enough, maybe I will see them

It is one of the places I always thought it would be

Probably not the final destination, but then who knows what that will be

I guess I will in a few hours

when will the pain stop

Sorry about breakfast teru - I'l be over soon

I know where they are - I saw it in a dream during my nap this afternoon

Should I get on a plane?

Back at the house now - here for a few days trying to figure out what to do

I can barely stand one second here - it is good I have the medication.

I spend 1/2 an hour crying in the garage before I could even go in

I hate it here

Had a very nice night last night - felt not only normal but special and loved

If this was meant to be, then that was too and I am greatful for it. Even small things do so much right now

I feel so lost - but perhaps someone will find me before it is too late

friday - has it really been two weeks

When will I wake up

I think I must have been in a plane crash and am now in a coma

You are sitting next to me, reading me my favorite book, holding my hand, hoping I'll wake

Please let that be true

i woke up with my hands not working again today

It made me think - did he leave me becasue someday he would have had to take care of me

he knew this could degenerate. he know about everything - and still he left.

I've always wanted someone I could count on, someone to take care of me. I saw him as that person, but it is obvious now he never wanted to be.

We went to see Eve Ensler's The Good Body - it wasn't as good as the vagina monologoues

The part that bothered me was when she talked about how her lover LOVED her belly, but she hated it. That was the same for Steve and I - it's funny that other people have that too.

But it is weird because I loved all of him unconditionally (even if I hated parts of myself) - every bit of it, from when he was small to when he gained weight. His body always turned me on. His way of being was always sexy

I have to find someone someday that feels that way about me

I know he did. Even when I weighed 220 he loved me. I wonder, does he love me less at 145 - course he hasn't seen me at 145 - only at 162 (which is what I was that sunday)

This is my last night in the hotel, then one night at home with sis then....

then.... indeed

I really miss getting my back scratched

he was the best back scratcher

but where is he now?

I still miss him

I wondered today - is he wearing his wedding ring?

BIG BUNNY are you wearing your ring?

Do you really just not love me any more - did you just stop loving me

I was finally able to do more then just sit and stare at the screen today

I went through all of my emails and then sent a status update to my boss.

I am going to spend Mon-Wed trying to figure out what to do about the house.

The cats are going to my friend S's house. I hate to do that, but I have no choice. I don't think I can take care of them right now.

I have realestate agents coming over. I've been going through my finances and I have 2 months TOPS and then I will be screwed if I don't get rid of the thing

My feelings about this are so mixed I can't even articulate them.

I have to sort - figure out what to sell, toss, give away, keep

I think whatever *I* keep except for a a suite case full... will go into storage until I figure out life again

I wish there was a free storage place - everythign is SO expensive..

and We didn't have any savings - *sigh*

Ahh for the freedome of the open road - maybe I should just take off and drive

My harry potter CD is still in the other car. I wanted to listen to Harry Potter today to comfort myself and totally lost it when I realized it was gone

I have all the rest, just the first one is missing

Why would that make a person cry so hard and so long - such a trivial thing, but it shows such a lack of understanding

Oh well, someday

I don't want to take the pills again, but I am having another panick attack

why is this happening to me

he has a cold - all i could think was, I wish he had taken that cough medicine with him

but he didn't, he didnt take anything important

At least he wrote to me - that does make me feel a bit better. Knwoing he is alive even if I don't know where he is

But where is mary?

Thank you Teru - your blog after our dinner was wonderful (painful but wonderful)

We are all sad - but it will get better someday (who knows when)

Someday he will face me and give me what I deserve - respect, decency etc.

I hope he is not loosing his mind. I really really hope so - but if he isn't, if he is sane - then what am I supposed to think?

I can't write out everything that Harmony said, but I will tell you and I will go back to her.

I have started to dream again - not the frantic dreams I was having. These are sad. The images don't make sense. I woke myself up last night whimpering. Swirling images of a smoky car. A seedy hotel. mary in black, steve with Black hair. My friend C told me they called and she freaked out, it was unexpected and made her very sad. She wished she would have said something different, but she didn't know what to say - she waited for 2 days to tell me about it.

What good does it do really? he won't come back, eventhough he needs to. I have to start cleaning up my life. I was in the house by myself today and I couldn't cope. Could not deal with it all weighing down on me. Is this how Steve felt? Why did he feel he had the luxury to run from it?

He must be having a terrible time. I am the only one who ever really understood him, his thoughts, feelings, moods. Now people are trying to grasp meaning where there is none. C for example, she wanted to hug him to tell him to stay with her, but the words would not come. Then an angry email and she felt sad and angry. They are leaving for a week tomorrow and she can't fix it and told me today she waited to call cause she felt like vomiting every time she contemplated talking to me.

Return to where you were meant to be. See things from other's points of view. Someone asked me today what I did to make you angry enough to leave and I had nothing to say about it. I just went into my office and cried. What indeed?

Perhaps that is why we were so good together. Did he forget? i haven't. I never will.

But I am going to have an adventure too.

I wanted to go to CA with C and S to visit E and the gang, but S acted weird when I told her and C asked me not to come. This made me really angry and sad. I thought they were my friends but they are going to be in "vacation" mode and can't "take care of me". I dn't want to be taken care of, I want to forget. But they don't want me around. See Steve, even people you trust and who are your friends can only be friends on thier own terms. That is what was good about our relationship - we were in it for you and I.

I hope yu find that again - find someone you can treuly be one with.

Call me, if you can find a way to call C - you can call me

I start cleaning the house Monday - I took the day off. things will never be the same and it makes me sad

A little bit each day

So I left work early - am doing laundry now and packing to be away from the house for 4 days

Coming back by myself felt so odd - I see things so differently now

I am much more OK when I am not here, but when I view the sheer enormity of the STUFFF

and this STUFFFFF

No wonder he took off taking almost nothing, the STUFF weights you down.

He really should come back and help me deal with this, I just don't understand what he is so afraid of. it's just wrong to leave such a mess. I took care of him for so long and he promised to take care of me and now when I need it the most, he is not here. How could he feel it was OK to not do the responsible thing?

Look me in the eye and tell me why - or at least call so I can hear your voice. Why can't things be different

And where is Mary in all of this = silent = nowhere. Is she really there with him? Or is she dropped along the way. Did she even exist?

I don;t even feel like I exist. J told me today (when he took me to lunch) that I seemed like a different person, like a shell of who I was, none of the radiance of happy - none of the confidence. Just none of me. He felt so bad. I feel bad, very bad. But what can I do, he won't ever come back. We could rebuild if he wanted. We've done it before, but he chose to not face me.

No email from him today, no call

I've started calling realestate people, and I called the fence people

practical stuff has to happen eventhough every time I think about it, my heart rips from my chest

Teru gave me flowers last night, they are beautiful and healing and made me cry a little

WHy don't I know what he is feeling?

His last email said so much, but still didn't tel my why - it did, but I still feel there is somthing missing

Look into my eyes whisper this into my ear - why why why

Harmony Dawn

I had my very first professional reading last night from a person I know through the music scene called Harmony.

She saw me at the Thylacine show the other night and gave me a big hug. She didn't know what had happned and noone told her but she could see that I was sad.

We went to her resturant and she told me things that made the hair raise on the back of my neck.

I will leave most of it private for me in my heart, but alot of what she said made sense and made me feel like not everything was broken.

Most of all she said that he would eventually be back (april) but I had to choose my life path and if I would choose to let him in or not. And that May 31st was an imporatnat day for me.

She also kept calling me "little bunny", which made me so sad. How would she know that name?

She also told me to have sex with someone who has a pony tail - which was a riot

I guess I better keep my eyes open

I wish I could look into his eyes and see what was inside there

My friend from Chicago called, it was everything I could do not to get in a plane and go there, try and find him

But what good would it do

Why has he isolated me from him life

Maybe I didn't do everything right, but do I deserve this mental torture

Why call others and not me

I am the little bunny

me, noone else really ever got to know him and now he has pushed me off a cliff and I'll never stop falling

why didn't he just kill me

Ther eis so much out there for you Steve - I wish you had let me keep coming along with you

YET another Fing house thing to worry about

The alarm broke yesterday - I had to rush home. My hope was that it was actually Steve comeing home and had just made a mistake, but it was the alarm itself. I had to have a technition out this morning to fix it and nothing is the same as it was before

I also cancelled the calbe access, but left the internet

Can you BELEIVE they charge you $50 to do that WTF at least that will save me $60 a month (after I pay that 50 that is) but I have to have a technition come to the house next Monday

I hate being here alone with those people, maybe someone will come saty with me for the day

I am also going to ask the fence company to come out and put up that new fence - $$$$$$ but I feel I'll loose a ton of $ on the house if I don't, I mean who wants to live next to a junk yard

I am also cashing in my amex points and getting a new stove and dishwasher - that should add value to the house

I hate to have to do this alone I really hate hate hate it

if he would just come back and deal with this stuff too, esp since most of the stuff in the house is actually his - I was surprised actually that that was the case, but when I was going through the bedroom, I literally have 2 boxes of stuff but he had 12 black garbage bags

I didn't get rid of the clothes though, this is not a "divorce house"

Sigh

what am I going to do, this is a nightmare

Here is a weird thing about me - I was never able to have an ograsm while masturbating until Robot showed me how.

This morning , for the first time since this whole thing, I tried to masturbate - nothing, just tired and then crying - remembering the last time we made love and how sweet and loving it was.

************

Then my mind turns on me and I think these aweful things like

Are they using condoms (there were none in the garbage)
Is marie on the pill now - she wasn't a few weeks ago, she told me

Maybe they are not having sex at all - but if they are - what if there is a baby

I am still going to write out everything that has happened - but I think I need a quiet saturday morning for that

I got a call lat night but it was from private... was it him> I didnt make it in time and when I realized, I cried and cried. it was 1am or so (I thin) and I cursed the srugs that were making me sleep

but I know withut them I would be crazy. Lat week they tried twice to put me in the hosptial. I can;t let that happen

I have convinced them that I am eating - it makes people happy to think that

But how can I eat when all I want to do is vomit

Tonight I am going to harmony t get my future told. She begged me the other night, soaid I needed it and gave me a hug. "Please don't hurt yourself dear one. the hurt came from outside not in." How dies she know I want to rip the skin from myu body that he once exlaimed during sex
"you skin is so tight" integrated with your body

Does he care about my feelings. Dont hide from all of this

I want to see him so much I want him to show me in his black pools of eye that this is the right thing

Why do I have to start over just becaue he wasnts to. With this promise of marrage he said i would nvere have to be ithout him. Now its been more then a week

I constantly feel itt. I cant stand this

help me clean up what used to be our life - it is not fair to leave me with the pieces - even Ana said this was the most cruel way

He said he would read this because he cares about me and what I am going though

What do I get from him to tell me what he is going through?

I care too, deeply. I love him

Maybe he is rightk, he can't return, but it is NOT fair to make me go through this stuff

this was his life - he needs to put it away, not run away like a teenager

Why am I left with this, why am I so empty

I wish the house would just burn down and take me with it