It has been years (at least 10 I think) since I have been to Club Cafe. Infact - If I even did go it would have been with Lydia and her friend Stevie (I've lost contact with both of them)

I did somehow expect to see Stevie there. Not sure why.

I went home at a decent hour, but I did not really sleep. Today I worked really hard. I got more done in one morning then I have for the past 3 weeks.

But I was burnt by 3pm - so I went to T's house to let the dog out and nap. Now I am up again - I am going to go out tonight too. Maybe Friday night too, who knows.

I looked at an apartment I could not afford today - it made me very sad. I do like my house - could I not just move the parts I like somewhere. Or maybe I should just walk away from it. Leave it sitting empty and abandon like he did to me.

At least my closing is on Monday for the loan to pay the septic. That is VERy good as I owe people $ right now and I REALLY don't want to ask anyone for it. It is HUMILIATING enough to ask for so much help otherwise.



Any way - off to a bath

I had nightmares all night last night. When will this be over - I'm not sleeping well again. For the last three nights I've gotten a total of 12 hours of sleep. And I am an 8 hour a night person.

I've only sen two people this morning and both mentioned I had sunkin eye - ahh skull head. That is me.

Tonight will be fun though

Last night I went to Kareoke at Club Cafe with S and J from work. It was fun - but I didn't go all out. We also went to an Irish Pub just before hand - to get good and sloshed before going to sing... I didn't stay late enough to sing. But I DO have to work today and be out again tonight

at least it is nice out. Such a blessing in that way - I tookt he dog out this mornign and just sat by the lake in the sun on a bench. The water was dead calm and there was almost no sound. I almost felt like I wasn't there. That would be nice - being not there, or here or anywhere.

But I *am* here and must deal and move on. The loan should come thoruhg - thanks to some paperwork signing. I will be able to pay the contractors for the work they did last week (was only able to give the last guy 1/2) and to get the Engineer paid when he gives me the plans (He won't give them to me unless I pay him)

Oh and to pay the town for the second permit which costs $700. Nice lot ehhhh. $200 for the original test (would have been 650 if it had passed - actually he should have charged me 650 anyway - but he didn't - this is the guy who hugged me...)

Then 125 for the town to do a perk test. For the perk test... 400 for the digging guy and 360 for the engineer

That is only a drop to start with. The plans will then cost me another 6K (when all is said and done) and the town another $700 as I mentioned above. And then the replacement of the system... Hopefully we can go with a gravity fed (I hear this is the way to NOT get one of those plastic pipes in your front yard) as the gravity fed is about 10K cheaper then the pump system. But I have to move pipes in my house (UGH!!!)

ANyway - I just need some $ now so I can pay these people and get this moving...

I feel so stuck - why did we have to have this horrible event on top of everything else that was ALREADY unbearable.

It is really unfair that so many bad things can happen at once...

I need a break - something lucky that will change my life for the better

My baby is dying... what should I do?

This is the only computer I have actually fallen in love with and slowly, piece by piece... it is failing

Is there any good news?

How do I find my apple protection agreement?

Is it even in m name?

*sigh* don't you leave me too, OK - I need you

I wrote my first book on you - I poured out my heart into you. I cried all over you... Oh maybe that is it. I flooded it with tears...

You promised me an email - I need one

What a day

So so so bad

And now I am watching House where a very sick woman lied to her girlfriend of 8 years (before she got sick of course) about being alergic to a dog her GF got her for her birthday, because she was tired of the girlfriend and she was thinking of leaving her..

Tired of her - how cruel

It was a very upsetting day - my worst fears for the septic system slowly unfolded over a matter if 4.5 hours. Three man standing in my yard by 2 huge holes telling me very bad news. I had to excuse myself and cry in my closet for a few minutes. When I got back the guy who will most likely eventually replace my system gave me a hug. It is small things that can make you feel better.

I got to talk to someone on the way home (home - ha - I meant T's though I heard today that home is where i lay my head...) and when i got here... I can't beleive how lucky I am sometimes - luck in the face of such terrible sorrow.

Who am I and what should I do...

Do what you must, the thing that you should do for you. But remember it is not just you - there are so many more people you affect every single day. Not to mention you brought her on your adventure - eventhough you have said it is not about her - it does affect her. not that I should care about any of it. I have to take care of me now - you siad so, everyone said so - so why do I still try? 'cause it doesn;t do any good to hate - hate makes you bitter. I learned that from the first divorce

I found a note today - something he wrote while he was DJing my graduation (literally while he was up there giving me what I thought was a present to me for doing what I had done). Two weeks ago it would have put me in the closet. But when I read it all I thought was... wow - how could I not have known, but really I can't know what he doesn't tell me. And he tricked me into thinking it was about S and really it was about us all along.

Or maybe it was never about us - maybe I was never really a part of the us... I guess I just don't know now.

He told me today that it would only be a matter of time before I hated him. He seemed to not only expect it, but want it. He wants to think I hate him - sorry too bad. I guess I never can give you what you want. No matter my intentions... Which were good, but not right for you (at least that is what you said in your note)

I rambeled... didn't make sense... ahh Tuesday - I feel like I have never been normal and won't ever be

I hope I can keep this love

Thank you for calling last night

I wonder constantly where you are and what you are doing - probably unhealthy actually. Actually I don't wonder much while I am awake, but I dream of what you are doing all of the time.

I dream of her too - she is not a cook, but she is always cooking in my kitchen - very meaningful I am sure - much like the knife she stabbed me with in the kitchen

I do want to know what your plans are - I hope I get the email sometime soon

I have to make plans too... Not sure what they will be though.

It's easter - this is one of thos holidays that I always looked forward too, but not for the reasons one would think. I'm not really into Zombie Jesus, but I am into spring and renewal and making a lovely dinner for someone I love. This year Spring came, but there will be no dinner.

For quite a few years we've gotten a honey baked ham and made a lovely easter dinner together. I always found it fun and exciting. This year I am sitting in T's house keeping her dog company. Someone did get me a chocolate bunny (2 actually!!!)- my favorite kind - the hollow ones that cost $.89.... And I can't tell you how wonderful it was to eat it for breakfast. it made me feel so special that that person would even think of getting me something so heart warming.

I am sad though. Spring is renwal - spring is hope - and I am (5 weeks later) almost there?

I had a really good conversation about the future last night (ok early this morning) - how I might move on and what the possibilites are. It's pretty scary - but I can't continue like I am. Floating, wondering. I have to keep moving forward, not looking back over and over again.

It will cost so much money and so many tears - far more tears then I thought I had. I cried again today - watching a makeover show - one he said he liked but I found out (as you do when people are changing their minds about you) that he hated. Trinny and Suzannahhhhhh helped two women whose husbands left them - helped them look differnt so they would feel different.

I am going to try it Thursday night - look differnt, be differnt, do something I would never have considered doing before. I've already done some of this. Some of the things I have done in the last couple of days surprized even me.

Still though I must be the respoinsible one - taking care of T's house and dog. Thinking about how I will care for Steve's cat and for my own. Thinking what I will do in the future - who will fix this, who will pay for that.

I have to write a check to the commonwealth of MA for 210. And I don;t have the $. I don't have the cash to file for divorce - how heart breaking - but my sister sent me a check - just for "fun" $ she said - it will be fun to pay for the divorce with that.

My mom had a dream that I would win the lottery - I bought a ticket - If this can happen to me, I guess anything can.

Does marraige really mean anything to anyone? Marriage is the opposite of selfish.
Should I do it again, and if I did or didn't would it matter?

There are good things today - warm and sunny day with a REALLY nice view of the lake and people sailing. A long walk with Willy - who loves to walk. And the Easter Movie Marathon - food that I am looking forward to, friends that I am looking forward to.

I need to start writing again - make that time - I need to be by myself though - after this week I am not sure what I am going to do... I don't really want to stay with people, but out there by myself - I go back wards in time. I cry and can't concentrait, though this past saturday, with L there cleaning with me... It was OK, she said what I was thinking, wow this doesn't even look like your house anymore...

It is stipped of me, of us, it is a show house with only things in it that will sell. The personal stuff is hidden away...And soon his stuff will be gone, the only thing of his still left is what he left in my body, my cells.

How long will it take to make me new? No trinny or suze here (actually I can't even watch it at my house since I have shut off most things - including BBC)

one more thing I was thinking about yesterday was the L word. How the character I hated took off for the "experaince" she was a writer- she needed something to write about. She betrayed her stability to have experainces. Did I hate her so much because of the character, or because I feared what she did would happen to me? It was such a bright thought I had to pull over to consider it.

Why didn't I do it first - why do I have to be the one left

I want to be the one who is free - ro at least feels free - the lesson is, noone is ever free - because we always bring ourselves with us.

I had the loveliest lunch with Teru and her office mate. Ate too much, talked just enough, hugged not quite enough.

Still though, what a sad time this is. I had to put a note on my phone to not call his extension just to chat - how sad is that. He's been gone a month and still after I got back from lunch I called him to tell him I stopped for tea and got him a tea...

yes, I got him a tea - even though he is not here. Must be the Tinto talking.

Why would you do that, you know he is gone. He can get his own tea. You waited on him too much and not enough on yourself - that is what people say. People also say - what is wrong with her... he left, must have been a reason - I say that too, wonder what is wrong with me, why I am broken.

Can I tell them I was too good to him, my intensions were not what he wanted, they don't care, he doesn't care - do I even care anymore

he said to me - why is it now OK to hurt yourself

I had no answer - cause I still don't know why - nor do I much care

All I want is a real love that you can count on for all time. Not something that was convenient, something taken away on a spring breeze. She always wanted to live in SF. SO he tried it, doesn't like it. Funny that it is the rainiest spring they have had in 20 years, funny that they are expecting an earthquake any day. Funny that he now has a plan. I wish I had one but I don't. I don't know what I should or even can do. I never wanted to start over. I said I would never get married again, and I did. How stupid was I to give myself to someone again. Just like that, my whole heart. And I did love him, still do, can't help it. I still want to love him, want to call him Big Bunny want him to appreciate all that I did. Appreciate me now for who I am. We lost intimacy - he said - but he didn't know what that was, not really. If he did he would know he doesn�t have it with Mary. She doesn't have intimacy with herself - so how can she give herself to someone else.
Actually he told me he isn�t in love with her. I hope she knows that. Maybe he was lying; maybe he is in love with her. I don�t know, for her sake I hope she can accept what that means, I hope I can.

Ahhh there I go again, jealous and judging. I covet her youth and her free spirit, though not her debts and her family. I covet her face and body, but not her insecurity. I covet her free spirit but not her soul. She had everything I always wanted and now she has what I had. She left something behind though, not knowing what she had� Not knowing I would get the better end of the deal.

It is not age that is not a factor - it is reality - it is truth

One saving grace is lunch, the other is an hour drive to spend 5 minute with someone you love the last is friends who want to take care of you.

I have all of this and I have to remind myself of that on those night when I am alone and having nightmares and want to find the sword under my bed and run myself through. Why didn�t you just do it for me? It would have been far less painful then this slow death.

I sleep with it under my bed now, that sword you were so proud of. I sleep with it there incase that man comes back, incase you come back incase I can�t take it anymore. It is sharp � I�ve tried it, it works. Would a Japanese style be too dramatic? I saw it is Sho Gun � I am confident I would have the courage.

Do you remember that Apple Steve? I took a bit and so did you- what happened to it? Its rotting flesh not good enough anymore? I thought it grew into a tree, one with flowers and bees. But I guess it just died and rotted and you expected that all along, longed for it, waited for the time when you could be free of its promise.

Am I in love again? There is no apple, there are no strings. If I had known before what it should be like, would I have taken a bite?

Stop reading this, I am no longer yours � you no longer care what happens to me. You left me on the tarmac. You ran over my heart in the Ben Franklin cab. You only felt bad when you though you made me into you. And you did, isn�t� that funny, I am now you.

You but not yours, not anymore

Stop crying � stop crying � stop crying � dammit Sarah � stop it.

It has been one month and one day

No more Big Bunny
No more little bunny

no Easter dinner



- But it is Spring and love is in the air

You Left My Heart in Pieces
- A story


When I went to the lawyers office, in that fancy federal street building all glass and gold, I passed the downtown church where bums sit outside and ask for money and go inside once a day for food and blessing.

On the way to the office I did not pause, did not even look at the priest outside or the woman whose teeth she held in her hand hoping the priest could put them back for her � He didn�t mean it, she slurred.

On the way back from the office, after hearing the straight and scary story and after writing a check for the retainer (what am I retaining?) I did pause. I paused so long the homeless men stopped asking me for change, stopped telling me to have a nice day. There are 4 doors, all open; I held the handle of one as if it were holding me up. I meant to go, to turn back to Summer street and the T, but the young priest opened it, beaconed me inside.

I was familiar with the chapel, I had been there once before � with Steve � when he needed to dip his fingers in holy water and to genuflect at the alter. I remember being scared to do it myself. Not this time, this time I needed to. I ran my fingers in the bowl of water; cool, somewhat slimy (should holy water feel slimy?). I brought my damp fingers to my head and then to my heart and then back to my head. God, please stop this dream � I whispered to myself.

When I had been in NYC the Sunday (or was it 2 Sundays now) before, I had lit a candle at that famous cathedral and said � God please let everyone be happy. I had no idea that that prayer and candle would bring so much unhappiness. Was there a reason? And now I was asking God to stop this dream, let me out of my life. I lit another candle and simply said � I mean it this time.

On the way home that night to a house full of stuff that I did not want, I thought about all what had happened. Why did I work so hard at things only to have them go so badly? Some people don�t work at all at relationships and they go on for years and years. I remember being so happy to go to NYC. He told me (texted me actually � I still have it in the phone he had shut off but I don�t carry it around because I can�t bear to look at it) that I should not worry � that I was to have fun � that everything would be happy.

I drove and thought about God and about the candles I had lit. About my life and where it had gone, about the house full of meaningless everything, about Steve and what he had done and what he was doing and about the fact he probably wasn�t thinking the same of me. I thought about the fact I had two friends coming over Sunday to help me clean out the house and a dumpster coming the following Friday to get rid of the rest of my life. Why wait I thought and I did what I longed to do which was drive into oncoming traffic under the wheels of a semi.

In situations like that you are not thinking clearly. You think that all you have to do is turn the wheel and magically a truck will appear on the other side of the road. Rt 2 is two way and I turned the wheel and no one was there. No one but the other side of the road and the ditch and a ruined car and a nearly broken wrist.

I was avoiding a crazy driver I said � I was crying so hard and so loudly the police didn�t ask questions. The ambulance took me the short ride to Emerson. I cried the whole time. No one asked me much of anything, not even how it happened. I was afraid they would keep me, take me to that ward and not let me out. Perhaps that would be safe; perhaps I would feel safe from this situation, safe from myself. But I knew that wasn�t me, I could not be there, in there. I lied over and over until I believed it myself, some guy, cut me off � going so fast � I had no time to think. They just nodded, asked me about medication, drugs, alcohol. X-rayed my wrist and ribs, checked me for concussion, was I tired did I know the date? The president (that poser � a smile at least). Hours later � Who can you call to get you? I called the insurance company. No rental car until the next day � no way home. I called a taxi company � sorry we don�t go that far in, here are some more numbers. I called everyone who was not associated with me until there was no one left. I was discharged. I could wait until the next afternoon and the insurance company would send a car there, but that was hours. Who would drive to get me at midnight and take me home so I could get into my bed and finish the crying I had started two weeks ago.

I didn�t want to tell anyone. They would look into my eyes and figure out the real story. They would know it had not been some other crazy driver � it had been me and I had failed yet again. Though I did find out that the exploding airbag would not break my nose in an accident as I had always feared. Irrational fear disproved.

That was the first time I called him for help. I knew he did not have a car, but maybe he would talk to me, he would understand. I found him at work, closing the store after his promotion. He borrowed something, left there and came directly to me. He didn�t speak, just picked up my affects and brought me to the truck. Took me home without asking for directions, put me in my bed, made me tea. He knew the pain too. He watched over me for two days, called in sick for me, checked messages and made phone calls. I was OK, no I was just a little banged up, I just wanted to rest � I couldn�t talk very well. I�m just a friend.

By the time I thought to thank him, he was gone and my friends were about to arrive to help clean out the house. I could not lift anything with my right arm, which made that cleaning ridiculous, but they were OK with me just directing � probably better one step removed. Did you want this porn? One of them brought her kids; they took the games and movies I did not want. They took some of the books I could not bear to look at. We donated or tossed the rest � it�s all in the garage awaiting the dumpster.

It would make a nice book if this story ended with the happy clean out, but I still felt the same inside. None of this would really matter. I could clean and try and start over, but every time I thought of it, the world would get black. I was waiting for one more thing to happen, it always does, but would it be just one more thing. Why hadn�t that truck been there like God had promised. I so want everything to be over.

You cannot sell a house without a septic system inspection. I told everyone of the inspection on that Monday morning when I went to work. I said � cross your fingers for me � a failure is very expensive and I don�t have the $. I dreamed of starting over. The only thing I had left was that possibility � of taking some of that cash and moving somewhere. Tuesday morning all hope of anything but burden was returned. A failure. Could he show me � I could live there forever and he wouldn�t tell anyone but if I had to sell, I had to fix. Oh expensive, I couldn't even say. Low 20K high 50K - it all depends... Why was God trying to keep me in that empty house with all of those empty feelings? I wrote Steve a letter. Desperate now, but what can he do? Ultimately I will have to do this. He did call his sister - said we could split the loan. I made me feel both better and worse.

Tuesday night I had to call again, he was sick with a soar throat, not at work. He told me not to do it, that no matter what I was to remain alive because there was good in the world even if I would have to wait a long time for it. I talked to him while I was immersed in the bath, thinking of all of those movies and cop shows where they find the victim in cold red water, pickled fingers and toes, blue lips, closed eyes. The finders always looked sad, but the findees never did.

Write about this Edrie. Don�t let it overwhelm you. They don�t think about what they did, only you are thinking these things and you said he will help you, take that help, why not. Even if it costs you money � it will be over.

But I don�t want it to cost me anything, my heart is in pieces, my soul is gone everything I thought was true was a lie � were all those cards I found written to me over the years lies? Was his secret heart always hidden to me, even at the most connected times?

None of that matters Edrie. The truth is now � you have to take what that was and put it in a secret place where it can only make you stronger. Now you have to do this, please don�t take yourself away from the world, it�s not worth it. Think of all of the things you like and will miss. Those things we will miss without you.

He stayed on the phone with me for hours. Convincing, talking, and napping. Several people called during that time. My mother three times, Steve�s sister twice, my sister, my brother a friend from Texas. I didn�t answer any of them; I watched the caller ID flash and waited for the message beep and then switched to hear them say one thing or another.

He was always there when I returned. Finally the sun rose and I felt I could hang up. And I am doing this now. I am not healed or cured, I am not feeling much better, but I made it. One more night at a time. One more obstacle to put behind me � though this one is so big.

Before he hung up.

Edrie � Listen, first get some sleep, second leave that house, and third always know you can call me. I might not have the right thing to say but I can be very quiet and let you talk. You deserve to talk and you deserve to work through this and look forward to what you want. It might not come right away, but it will come. Look at me, you and I share this pain, perhaps we can spread it out in a thin layer and break through it.

Get the system fixed, take whatever loan you need and hope that you make at least that back on the house � breaking even is not bad. You will figure it out. This is not all your burden.