For all we have been through and all that is to come
I am typing up the script for the wedding of two of my favorite people in the world. Never underestimate the joy of a wedding. Even though it was incredibly hard for me to attend my sister’s wedding – I got over my own personal issues and looked at the joy of the moment rather then the baggage I was brining to the situation. I never thought I would even say the word wedding again, much less attend and be joyous at two of them in the same year.
Both the wedding of my sister and the wedding of these two kind and courageous people are “non-traditional”. My sister had a “festivis spectacular” at the renaissance fair. All costumed and corseted the guests reveled amongst the merry folk while we celebrated a love and engagement that was longer then both of my marriages (oops, that one was about me again – sorry) But seriously. My sister’s wedding was beautiful and perfect for them. Their wedding represented them as a couple and it made the guests feel the joy of a wedding and the joy of their relationship.
The wedding I will be officiating tonight (yes, I have the power vested in me!!!) is similar in the fact that the love is strong and the family supportive and that it is also “non-traditional” but it is different as well. This wedding will be catered by the bride herself (lucky for all of us as she is an incredible cook and hostess). It will also take place at the furtive hour, or rather the stroke after since legally it must be performed on 1/1/07. And the wedding will be in the apartment they will share with each other. But this wedding is no less about joy and no less about celebrating the joy of the relationship of this couple. It will be as sweet and as beautiful because love is like that as are the ways we show each other that love.
Someone said to me yesterday that she often felt too old to learn. Granted it was in the context of learning highly complex post-grad level data crunching (which frankly I’m not too old to learn, I just never could). But the truth is if we want to learn, we will. And actually sometimes even if we don’t want to, we will. Take weddings. After the two failed ones I have had, in truth, even before the latest one to fail really failed… I said I would never get married again. And in fact I (as short sighted and emotionally damaged people often do – and man am I one of those) swore off relationships all together.
But slowly – and thanks to these two weddings and seeing people I love very much bond their love to each other with a show to the world of their seriousness… I am slowly getting back to the idea that a relationship is a good thing. The jury is still out on actual weddings (in relation to having one of my own), but if my Tarot card readings of the past few weeks are correct – I should have one again and perhaps prove the “3rd time’s a charm” adage.
I’m not saying I will run out tomorrow and hitch up with the next person I see – I have just decided I will leave the possibility open and if it happens, perhaps I won’t run away just because of the context of what I view as my own failings in my last two relationships. Everyone and every situation is different and humans can justify them selves into or out of a paper bag, but perhaps that is what we are meant to do. To justify our new follies with the learning of the past and to move forward hopefully not blindly. I wish that I had gotten it right before now. That I had had one single and good for me relationship that has lasted for years. That that relationship was bonded by marriage and that the trappings of that were ours and we reveled in them. But I do not have that. Instead I have some good years and some years spent in pain. Not that I would not have that if I had remained married either time (Not that I had a choice in the second having been threatened in all kinds of ways to make sure I went through with the divorce). Perhaps that is the point. That married or not you go through life learning a bit about yourself at every stage and you either choose to use that knowledge or not. Marriage is different for everyone and different even in meaning for in the actual couple to be married. But that does not mean you should dismiss it out of hand.
There is a book called “The Essential Rumi” translated by Coleman Barks. I have a copy of that book with this inscription “For all we have been through and all that is to come”. The book was given to me out of love and I read it now knowing this but knowing too that the love that it holds is different now. But in the spirit of Rumi - t is not the thing that holds the love but the universe and it is not the universe that gives the love but yourself – open yourself to your own love so that you may receive it from others and from the universe and in turn know the thing and yourself and the universe and the love.
Lesson = never say never and don’t let your own bitterness get in the way of your own future. “For all we have been through and all that is to come” is as true now as it was when I, as a blushing bride (times two…), first received it. It is just true in a different way.
Now back to the script!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Monday, December 25, 2006
The end of 2006
The compulsion to blog or even write, for that matter, has been low. The reason? I think it must have something to do with the very little time I have been spending alone with my thoughts. I’ve been washing my thoughts clean in my waking hours with TV, wine, hanging out with friends, practice, work-work-work. This is not necessarily the best thing for a writer to do, but it does help avoid confronting all those feelings.
Everyone does an end-of-year round up so I shall too. This time last year I was looking forward to graduation. After an emotionally wrenching two years, I would finally have my diploma in hand and be able to really call myself a writer. Graduation was magical, though it was somewhat hijacked by drama via the Robot. But in my life, then, what wasn’t? (Funny I say then and even now I spend energy thinking about him every day, those rare days I don’t are a gift) I loved him and expected it; maybe I even needed that drama.
After graduation things get murky until the next big event in February. A show by the Collective. This show was monumental and drove the nail in the coffin of our relationship, though I didn’t know it then. I had so much fun that night. One month later, almost exactly – disaster. You can read my past blog to feel that pain. I’ve put so much time into thinking about it – clearly more time then he has. Even still, to this day, neither of them has come to me in person to say anything useful about it. I expect that will never happen now and I am OK with not knowing, because I know that by now, the real reasons are buried so deep in excuses that none of us would really know the truth with a capital “T”. It has been something each of us has had to find for ourselves.
Let’s leave behind the defining moment of my year for a minute and look at the results of that moment.
I am different. In a profound way, in a way I can’t even begin to explain.
- Am I happier? Yes and no, I feel afloat still, not like myself still. Like I am a new being still figuring out its place. Perhaps I was never myself. I am still discovering. Who am I? What am I? Should I be here or elsewhere?
I am expressing myself in a new way.
- I am in a band that plays often and we are doing well. I am thankful for this outlet and thankful that in doing this Walter and I can help each other redefine our lives without the people we spent so many years invested in. I hope he is finding himself as much as I am. We were both so broken, but the support and encouragement we’ve received has been so great and so overwhelming. I never knew so much good. So many people banded together to hold us and to listen. Thank you.
Death is the fate of the turning of the days.
- Bogart is no longer with us. As is the fate with each passing year, someone close moves on to whatever is next. Death is one of those things that just happens and I feel I know who the next will be and that it will be entirely too soon and I hope beyond all hope that I am wrong. That moment in March was like a death, I went through official grief counseling where in the counselor said more then once, sometimes it’s easier if they just die. She was equating what happened to me to what happens to people with parents or spouses with Alzheimer’s or some other degenerative disease or a severe injury that leaves them not the person they were. It was a more true comparison then I wished to contemplate. Let me tell you though, death is not easier – no matter what. The truth is, nothing that causes that much pain is particularly easy.
I have found love even though I am actively pushing it away in my mind.
- I am not sure what to say about this except that I know it has happened. Just like all of my relationships, it is a surprise yet seems so inevitable. How will I make sure this one is different? Perhaps I am too tired to make it work, too bitter and hurt to trust. My tactic has been, what happens happens, no plan no goal, let’s just see. For the first time in my life I have no path forward for myself, no goal for this. I am letting life unfold. It is both magical and scary but affords those sweet moments you only find if you have no expectations beyond being decent and honest with each other.
I miss my family.
- Ever since moving here leaving my only family over two thousand miles away, I have missed them. But this year I see the years I have been here stretched out behind me like a long flowing scarf. Time seems so short. Have I wasted much of it by being so far away? What could have been different if I had gone home? Should I go home still? The answers to these questions are complicated, but perhaps they only seem that way.
I realize that this post is very internal and contemplative. Mostly I have things that have happened that have no real answers for them. The right and wrong are still unclear and my path is murky. Over all, I am doing better then I have in years, at least on the inside. I have people who actually care about me. I have good friends who have stuck through years and years with me and been kind and sweet and honest and loving all at once. I have a family who is open and loving and I have a person in my life who loves me for just who I am and has no grand illusions or swinging feelings or scenes. I am a part of a musical expression that is really connecting with people. That makes my soul fly and my heart warm. Even complete strangers in a strange city found time and energy to come see us and complement us and share in our emotions. I got a hug from a girl who said, “That was me once too, thank you” One doesn’t expect a hug in NYC.
Perhaps that is the moral of the story of my year. The unexpected. I should embrace that more. Live life more forward. Perhaps that should be my resolution. Before I see what Santa brought me I should resolve to come into things open and unexpectant. Hope for the best and expect nothing.
Here is to a new year. Thank you all for helping me move into it looking back only a little. Time to hope for the best and to not expect.
Everyone does an end-of-year round up so I shall too. This time last year I was looking forward to graduation. After an emotionally wrenching two years, I would finally have my diploma in hand and be able to really call myself a writer. Graduation was magical, though it was somewhat hijacked by drama via the Robot. But in my life, then, what wasn’t? (Funny I say then and even now I spend energy thinking about him every day, those rare days I don’t are a gift) I loved him and expected it; maybe I even needed that drama.
After graduation things get murky until the next big event in February. A show by the Collective. This show was monumental and drove the nail in the coffin of our relationship, though I didn’t know it then. I had so much fun that night. One month later, almost exactly – disaster. You can read my past blog to feel that pain. I’ve put so much time into thinking about it – clearly more time then he has. Even still, to this day, neither of them has come to me in person to say anything useful about it. I expect that will never happen now and I am OK with not knowing, because I know that by now, the real reasons are buried so deep in excuses that none of us would really know the truth with a capital “T”. It has been something each of us has had to find for ourselves.
Let’s leave behind the defining moment of my year for a minute and look at the results of that moment.
I am different. In a profound way, in a way I can’t even begin to explain.
- Am I happier? Yes and no, I feel afloat still, not like myself still. Like I am a new being still figuring out its place. Perhaps I was never myself. I am still discovering. Who am I? What am I? Should I be here or elsewhere?
I am expressing myself in a new way.
- I am in a band that plays often and we are doing well. I am thankful for this outlet and thankful that in doing this Walter and I can help each other redefine our lives without the people we spent so many years invested in. I hope he is finding himself as much as I am. We were both so broken, but the support and encouragement we’ve received has been so great and so overwhelming. I never knew so much good. So many people banded together to hold us and to listen. Thank you.
Death is the fate of the turning of the days.
- Bogart is no longer with us. As is the fate with each passing year, someone close moves on to whatever is next. Death is one of those things that just happens and I feel I know who the next will be and that it will be entirely too soon and I hope beyond all hope that I am wrong. That moment in March was like a death, I went through official grief counseling where in the counselor said more then once, sometimes it’s easier if they just die. She was equating what happened to me to what happens to people with parents or spouses with Alzheimer’s or some other degenerative disease or a severe injury that leaves them not the person they were. It was a more true comparison then I wished to contemplate. Let me tell you though, death is not easier – no matter what. The truth is, nothing that causes that much pain is particularly easy.
I have found love even though I am actively pushing it away in my mind.
- I am not sure what to say about this except that I know it has happened. Just like all of my relationships, it is a surprise yet seems so inevitable. How will I make sure this one is different? Perhaps I am too tired to make it work, too bitter and hurt to trust. My tactic has been, what happens happens, no plan no goal, let’s just see. For the first time in my life I have no path forward for myself, no goal for this. I am letting life unfold. It is both magical and scary but affords those sweet moments you only find if you have no expectations beyond being decent and honest with each other.
I miss my family.
- Ever since moving here leaving my only family over two thousand miles away, I have missed them. But this year I see the years I have been here stretched out behind me like a long flowing scarf. Time seems so short. Have I wasted much of it by being so far away? What could have been different if I had gone home? Should I go home still? The answers to these questions are complicated, but perhaps they only seem that way.
I realize that this post is very internal and contemplative. Mostly I have things that have happened that have no real answers for them. The right and wrong are still unclear and my path is murky. Over all, I am doing better then I have in years, at least on the inside. I have people who actually care about me. I have good friends who have stuck through years and years with me and been kind and sweet and honest and loving all at once. I have a family who is open and loving and I have a person in my life who loves me for just who I am and has no grand illusions or swinging feelings or scenes. I am a part of a musical expression that is really connecting with people. That makes my soul fly and my heart warm. Even complete strangers in a strange city found time and energy to come see us and complement us and share in our emotions. I got a hug from a girl who said, “That was me once too, thank you” One doesn’t expect a hug in NYC.
Perhaps that is the moral of the story of my year. The unexpected. I should embrace that more. Live life more forward. Perhaps that should be my resolution. Before I see what Santa brought me I should resolve to come into things open and unexpectant. Hope for the best and expect nothing.
Here is to a new year. Thank you all for helping me move into it looking back only a little. Time to hope for the best and to not expect.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Thoughts on death
My thoughts are all mixed up this morning
Universally death is an event that brings up the memories of and emotions surrounding past death. When I heard of my best friend’s pain when her beautiful kitty died at the age of 15, all I could think of was the yearning. The feeling early in the morning or when you’ve forgotten for a minute and expect to see someone around a corner or coming home. I’ve been dreaming of my father for the past week; having those same feelings, like I should be able to call home and he will pick up the phone.
My friend was very good to me when my father died. She cooked for me leaving me freezer food for my return, knowing I would not want to make food. She sent flowers and a card and was just there, not in my house (for she wanted to give me space) but in my heart. When I called my mother quite late last evening and told her about Bogart kitty, she cried as I had done, knowing, even as we are farmwomen, that this death is equal to that of a human (I never knew why some would feel otherwise), that the hole it will leave has ragged edges and will seep.
People tell you it will get better with time and the truth of it is that some of it will get better but it is not what you want to hear. They also mention other pets with time and yes, other pets help, but the truth of that is it is not something you want to hear. One cannot have another father and there will never be another Bogart.
See I told you my thoughts were mixed up… the point I think is I am sad not only for the death but for my friend and I want to hug her and be with her and tell her how much I love her and how much appreciation I have for Bogart, for the life he had and how I know he was a completely blissful cat and gave his entire life to her because it was her who gave him his life. And also that he was so much his own cat and as much a physical and emotional being as any human is. His spark, his being, lives on all around us, in the air, in memory and forms whole whenever he is needed. That is how it is with my father, if I need him, he is there. Perhaps his physical self will not be rounding the next corner or ever again be on the other end of the phone, but I know that he is with me.
May your body rest in peace Bogart now that your spirit is free.
Universally death is an event that brings up the memories of and emotions surrounding past death. When I heard of my best friend’s pain when her beautiful kitty died at the age of 15, all I could think of was the yearning. The feeling early in the morning or when you’ve forgotten for a minute and expect to see someone around a corner or coming home. I’ve been dreaming of my father for the past week; having those same feelings, like I should be able to call home and he will pick up the phone.
My friend was very good to me when my father died. She cooked for me leaving me freezer food for my return, knowing I would not want to make food. She sent flowers and a card and was just there, not in my house (for she wanted to give me space) but in my heart. When I called my mother quite late last evening and told her about Bogart kitty, she cried as I had done, knowing, even as we are farmwomen, that this death is equal to that of a human (I never knew why some would feel otherwise), that the hole it will leave has ragged edges and will seep.
People tell you it will get better with time and the truth of it is that some of it will get better but it is not what you want to hear. They also mention other pets with time and yes, other pets help, but the truth of that is it is not something you want to hear. One cannot have another father and there will never be another Bogart.
See I told you my thoughts were mixed up… the point I think is I am sad not only for the death but for my friend and I want to hug her and be with her and tell her how much I love her and how much appreciation I have for Bogart, for the life he had and how I know he was a completely blissful cat and gave his entire life to her because it was her who gave him his life. And also that he was so much his own cat and as much a physical and emotional being as any human is. His spark, his being, lives on all around us, in the air, in memory and forms whole whenever he is needed. That is how it is with my father, if I need him, he is there. Perhaps his physical self will not be rounding the next corner or ever again be on the other end of the phone, but I know that he is with me.
May your body rest in peace Bogart now that your spirit is free.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
What happens when I don’t dream?
Birthdays are an odd thing. Most people find them to be a death march after a certain age, just the clock telling you how much closer you are to being gone. I’m not there yet and am not sure if I ever will be, but I am at an odd place in my life. I’ve had one of the best birthday’s anyone could hope for. I’ve gotten tons of good wishes from friends, acquaintances, family and strangers. In Fact I think this year I was wished Happy Birthday by more people then I have been in all the years up until this point. I received thoughtful gifts from those I love and a quiet dinner made by the hands of someone I love. But today I am unsettled. This happens occasionally. That feeling that things are not quite 100%. That something is amiss and you are not exactly sure what or that someone is whispering something very important to you and you can’t quite hear it. Usually when I have this feeling something bad happens. Not always to me, in fact mostly not to me. I also dream of horses. Usually when someone is going to be hurt or killed.
The first time I dreamed of them one kicked my uncle the next day, hard enough to cause a good bit of damage. “An inch to the left” the doctor said “and he would have been done fore”. I also dreamed of horses the night before my father was to die. That dream is clear even still so many years later. One lone red colored horse in a field with hailstones falling all around it. The horse was calm, standing in the sunshine as softball sized hail beat the ground. It wasn’t a scary dream. I was beautiful actually. But it meant death as certain as any other I have had.
I dreamed of horses last night and the night before. Both dreams involved being very close to very large brown horses. They were soft and warm and keeping me in the middle of the heard. Nothing happened in the dream on either night, but I was surrounded by large, soft bodies the color of dust smelling like wind and grass. It could be nothing, but it has happened so many times that I can’t shake the feeling.
This birthday is so much different for the others I have had in recent years. So many things are different. March was a real truing point for me and December feels like another. I never use January first to make resolutions; I make them on my birthday instead. I use it as my new year. Last year I resolved to keep off the weight I had lost the year before, and I have. The year before I resolved to stay in my writing program and graduate rather then quite because of the personal relationship trauma I was having. That worked too. This year I am not sure what to resolve. I want to lose 20 more pounds, but after losing nearly 80, it doesn’t seem like I need to resolve to do it, I just need to do it… I want to make a resolution about my writing, but I am not sure what it should be. I have a novel I am happy with and I want to write another, but should I focus on the recent events and try to write something about that? I have something in the works for that already, but is it the right thing to do? Should I make a resolution about the music? Probably not, I feel safer if Walter does that. This is our project so we must make the resolutions about tit together. Perhaps I will think on this, let the birthday pass and get a few days of perspective, see if the dreams of horses come to anything before resolving. Perhaps, if I don’t dream, my mind will focus more and I will feel less unsettled.
Here’s to the future and to birthday and resolutions and to good wishes for the next year – here is to all of you who have been so kind to me over the last 9+ months. I think you – I could not have gotten this far without you and your kindness gives me hope to keep going and hoping.
Thank you
The first time I dreamed of them one kicked my uncle the next day, hard enough to cause a good bit of damage. “An inch to the left” the doctor said “and he would have been done fore”. I also dreamed of horses the night before my father was to die. That dream is clear even still so many years later. One lone red colored horse in a field with hailstones falling all around it. The horse was calm, standing in the sunshine as softball sized hail beat the ground. It wasn’t a scary dream. I was beautiful actually. But it meant death as certain as any other I have had.
I dreamed of horses last night and the night before. Both dreams involved being very close to very large brown horses. They were soft and warm and keeping me in the middle of the heard. Nothing happened in the dream on either night, but I was surrounded by large, soft bodies the color of dust smelling like wind and grass. It could be nothing, but it has happened so many times that I can’t shake the feeling.
This birthday is so much different for the others I have had in recent years. So many things are different. March was a real truing point for me and December feels like another. I never use January first to make resolutions; I make them on my birthday instead. I use it as my new year. Last year I resolved to keep off the weight I had lost the year before, and I have. The year before I resolved to stay in my writing program and graduate rather then quite because of the personal relationship trauma I was having. That worked too. This year I am not sure what to resolve. I want to lose 20 more pounds, but after losing nearly 80, it doesn’t seem like I need to resolve to do it, I just need to do it… I want to make a resolution about my writing, but I am not sure what it should be. I have a novel I am happy with and I want to write another, but should I focus on the recent events and try to write something about that? I have something in the works for that already, but is it the right thing to do? Should I make a resolution about the music? Probably not, I feel safer if Walter does that. This is our project so we must make the resolutions about tit together. Perhaps I will think on this, let the birthday pass and get a few days of perspective, see if the dreams of horses come to anything before resolving. Perhaps, if I don’t dream, my mind will focus more and I will feel less unsettled.
Here’s to the future and to birthday and resolutions and to good wishes for the next year – here is to all of you who have been so kind to me over the last 9+ months. I think you – I could not have gotten this far without you and your kindness gives me hope to keep going and hoping.
Thank you
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