So hot and tired

The house is a furnace and I am really tired - I think I got 4 hours of sleep last night

All of the changes at work are really hard to take - so is not knowing if I will have a job in a few weeks or not...

Why do all of these changes have to happen at once?

I am having very bad anxiety dreams again, but I will not take any of that stuff anymore - I think it makes me sad.

The therapist is a riot though - I see her every other week now. I really hate talking about myself, but she makes me and it is good I suppose. I never back out of a promise and I made this one to my sister. So I have to go - it will be good for me in the end.

And no interest in the house at all - I am going to make flyers and post them this weekend. I hope it works.

I also got the first bill for the loan for the septic system (which isn't in yet and wont be for a few more weeks)- OMG is all I have to say - and I am paying interest only -please sell house, please sell and let me break even on that.

My consolidation went through for my student loan so the payment is just under $500 a month - but in 10 years (10 really wow) I'll have that paid off

I could defere for hard ship - I could also get a credit card, but why fuck myself even more finaincially. it's not worth it, just don't eat or drive or go out and I'm fine. And I'm not helping anymore - though I would if asked.

Of course I took the max student loan for both years (40 K in total) because I used the 20K extra to pay the credit card debt (discover and Amex Blu and a good chunk of citi bank) 'cause in the long run the student loan was less interest. I hadn't anticipated what happened - I thought it was good for us to do this. But there is no us, and he has his own problems

Then he goes and says - how can your student loan payment be so high? Um right, like you don't remember the conversations and the fact we paid off SO Much $ in just two years. fickel memory

I am not getting a divorce though. He'll have to figure that one out

The farmer's market is back - so saturday I will go get yummy bread and have that and tea. It makes me happy to do those little things

And my sister is still coming - no matter what. I told her I wanted to go to NY that weekend and then come back sunday and hope that he was there to pick us up, so that we could start over. She didn't think anything good would come of it, but I thought it might be nice to at least pretend. But pretending doesn't get you very far in real life.

Ahh well - I have a show anyway and that will be much more fun then pretending

Finding Neverland

I was hopelessly naive when I married you. I thought brilliant people went to some secret place where brilliant ideas floated around like leaves in autumn.

I never anticipated that instead those people experienced for a short time then moved on. And often that moving could be cruel

I have decided not to get a divorce

A dream I had

Last night I had a dream where S and I wanted to not be living where we were living anymore. He told me he couldn't sleep and we needed to get away.

We picked a house in our neighborhood that we thought the people were not at home. We snuck in but there were tons of people there. It was a party actually. We went upstairs to a little girl’s room (she was not there) and feel asleep on the bed in there. But that didn’t' last long. S panicked and we had to sneak out of the house.

We got out with no one at the party seeing us, but I had left the car keys upstairs - so he went back to get them. The party goers then came outside to dance; I was grabbed buy a very tall guy who looked like this guy Mark that I went to Idaho with in High school. We tied our feet together and danced, just as everyone else did. We danced into the middle of the lake and he held me under the water.

When I opened my eyes I expected to be under water - that is how I woke

I want to keep my name - it is mine, has been for almost 5 years. I don't want to be forced to be a different person just becuase he said I should be.

Changing your name means that person you were is dead

Should that person I have been for this long be dead?

but then the questions come, the unexpected ones. the ones that were funny when he was here

You don't look blah blah blah - right *i'm* not - he is

What am I?

Am I dead?

no movement on the house - so far everyone who has made an appointment to see it, has cancelled before coming out


The septic should go in the first or second week of June, though the guy is a bit sketchy on the start date since we've had so much rain

My sister is coming out for my court date - which will be both nice and embarassing



I still have a ton of Steve's stuff - not sure what to do with it. I want to drop it off or send it to him or have him pick it up - but not sure where he is or if he even wants it

The Sun

She hadn't seen the sun for days. Walking as she had, through the woods. Through the wet and cold and rain, she hadn't even thought about the sun. Now that it was up she wasn't glad. The time wihtout the sun had been cleansing for her.

She stood at the top of the mountain letting the sun sear her eyes, burn her skin, smoke through her and burn out what reamined of heart.

WIthout it, she felt, the sun wouldn't matter.

She walked on, empty and burned

I don't like the term "yeast infection"

It's not an infection, it is an over taking

The doctor told me today that it is common

When you lose someone your body goes back to is base state. Its chemistry changes to suite your needs only. When we are with someone the body holds the memory of that person. Their chemistry combines with yours. It makes reproduction easier. Makes sex less hurtful to the body. His body retains that memory as well, undoubtedly his chemistry is changing

If you switch partners quickly there is a time when the body holds the memory of both, not sure which one will win out.

So Mary has some of me in her thanks to Steve. How long does the process take? A few weeks for men a few months for women. Women are the holders. Their body retains more information about the partner(s)

Oh so more likely S and W are together in Mary just as there is nothing in me

I am now my own person, my body taking back itself

I wonder how many men I can hold the memory of? Perhaps it could be a contest

More likely I will end up like Ms U - unfufilled.

At least they have cream for the infection, there is nothing that will let me retain the chemical memory and no cream for filling someone's soul

This is what I want to remember

Leaving him at work that friday and getting that big hug and him wispering in my ear. I love you, have fun, everything is great. Don't worry about anything.

Then the phone call later - are you having fun - I love you
and the first text message - I still have it
Don't worry - have fun - you are amazing

Stoeln Identity

Well someone has opened a Credit Card under my name

Is it him, trying to get back at me - doesn't seem to be his style

Is it her - the 2 of hearts - probably not

Either way I have to file a police report

I'll leave their names out of it, I only wish them to move on - I hope it is not them, it can't be.

Though I did find out I will have to contact him again, funny how many integration paoints there are after so many years. I am finding new ones all of the time

Mortgage problem - yay
Insurance Policy
My sarahedrie domain (I would like to keep it and learn how to manage it) He can have the rest


He never contacted me about forwarding his mail. Not sure what to do there - but I'll send another box when I have enough stuff. I hope he got the first one

My therapist said I was being too caring - I was concerned that he go see his therapist now that he is back (at least I assume he is) and he has an appointment with his Dr soon. he'll figure it out - I'm still his wife but not really. Maybe I never was

Also - both the CIO and our head of Engineering resinged so I might not have a job for very long - The shock was yesterday, the fall out starts today

Two people went home early they were so upset - I would have too if home made me feel better. These days home is my car - that is where I carry everything I care about.

It's reorg time - for everyone it seems

My Doctor told me today that I need to take someone with me to the divorce

She suggested my sister or Walter

She also suggested a restraining order

will it come to that?

Ahhh secrets - there were so many. And I am finding out more and more

two of hearts

note books

touching

Love before love

is anyone honest anymore - even to themselves?

Plan approved, but now I can't get any of the contractors to call me back....

A story for the dead - The Torch

The Torch
Three days ago she had sent him a funny email, one where she opened herself up and was the person she used to be. She wasn’t sure what she was hoping for, maybe she hoped that the person he used to be would read it and respond. That didn’t happen, instead she got the person he was now, pointing out all of the ways she could have done things better and should give him credit for the things he did do right.

She didn't feel like giving him credit for anything, she didn't feel he deserved credit for fucking up what they had had and making her realize that true love was a lie that he told her over and over again because he needed her, not because he really loved her.

She told him to sign the paper, the one last thing that bound them legally, and to send it to her. She decided to wait until she got that to even think about paying his bills, after all she didn't really have to anymore - she hadn't really had to from the start, from that Sunday when he didn't show up, from that Friday when he went to get that other woman and fuck her in their bed and feed her at the restaurants they had gone to and buy her the clothes that she herself had always wanted to buy.

He emailed today - why hadn't you paid the Citi card? I need to know if you will do this ASAP so I can figure something out. She was tired of answering, tired of helping him figure things out. She was tired of bankrolling that other woman and all of her wants and needs on a trip she was not invited on. She was going to do it on the 11th, as soon as the loan check cleared, if he cared, he would have asked if she was OK not if she would pay.

She printed our all of his emails and stood on her back porch crumpling them and filling her pockets with them, then she used the lighter fluid meant for the grill and turned herself into a torch taking all of his emails with her.

How many days has it been, she knows, down to the hour, but this morning, she almost forgot - I suppose that is a good thing

Ahh The Board of Health

You should give out free valium to anyone who has to deal with you

Calico & Creme opened yesterday - I went down to have some ice cream.

I might pick up extra work on the weekends baking pies to try and make ends meet.

I can bake 4 days a week after work (for 2 hours each) and one day a week (saturday) from 4am to 6am for $6 an hour

I could make $60 a week. Too bad it wouldn't be under the table.

Sunday's are usually my favorite - but not this sunday.

At least I wrote about it

The novel will not be published

oh boy is it ever fun to wakt up screaming

I have to go back on the anti-anxiety meds

Does there ALWAYS have to be drama - can't things calm down for ONE second???

Today
- Engineer plan for septic - needs the pump - additional cost 10K
- Check by FedEx from House equity line - first of all it is 3 days late because she "couldn't read the lawyers handwriting" and didn't bother to call to ask what my address was... SECONDLY the check was made out to Steve... Oh yeah *I* am the one on the loan and on the house and the check is made out to HIM - why you ask - Oh - he's "head of household" delay delay dealy
- Real-estate agent - must drop house price by 10K - oh wait I just got a bigger bill then expected then I need to loose 10K more - great
- and last but not least - Steve (and I assume Mary too) are coming back to MA to have some time to find a job. What about your idea of working in a bookstore and renting a room until you could find a real job? That makes way more sense then wasting 1-3 more months with no $ - unless you are going to file for unemployment like I TOLD you you should in the first place

- feeling bitter today - at least I had fun last night at the Thylacine set and am going to see SSD tonight. Maybe drinking and driving DOES help.

what I wouldn't give for a bath right now

Took a few days off to have some fun and get my head straight. No red mustang for me though.

now back to reality - still no septic - still have to sell the house - still need one more piece of paper signed - still need to wait for the court - WAY behind at work. I have to stay at the house until I get the court papers and that could be 4 weeks. I have a check coming to pay for all of this and all I can think of is... HOW am I going to pay off that check

Please PLEASE let the house sell SOON and for a good amount of MONEY - I CAN'T shoulder this debt and have a 500 school loan payment too. If I had known all of this would happen, I probably would not have gone to grad school.

Why are things still so scary. I was always my own person, but now I feel different. Like I am not me. I am not confident, I worry all of the time. I have a really hard time getting out of bed. I am sleeping more then I ever have - and there is so much to do.

I am glad he reconnected with his family - I told him over and over again to do it, and he finally did. Maybe he'll reconnect with the rest of life too. Maybe Mary will finally thank me for going thourgh all of that trash to save those most important pieces of her life. Is that too much to ask, a heartfelt thank you? I have gotten NOTHING from her - and she took EVERYTHING from me.

it seems it is everthing I did not need though. But still when I think of it, I feel ill, I sleep, I wake crying

Thank god for the one good thing I have, it keeps me going.