I'm not sure I trust - but it probably doesn't matter

So I decided a few days ago to post here again - but then I read a few of my earlier posts and almost deleted the whole thing.

So much has happened since this blog started I start to get sad just thinking about it. Not the actual things that happened but the time - the long long years and how they went so fast and how things that happened in those year seem not to matter that much.

I asked the Robot to stop reading this blog and to stop looking at my MySpace

www.myspace.com/edrie
www.myspace.com/armyoftoys

So I have to trust he will do that, though I know, in my heart – that he will probably look at everything I post publicly because he is that kind of person – someday he will search the internet for me because of something inside of him that makes him wish to tie up loose ends (like the T girl who will never talk to him again)

I will be a loose end and he will search and I will be easy for him to find. Though I know I will never find him online if he doesn’t want me too (beaker?) Though I don’t need too since I keep getting not so mysterious emails from someone giving me updates… Who could that be I wonder…

So I am going to stop wondering about others, do things that make me happy in whatever way I can be.

I made a resolution to myself this morning - to make thing matter more. To try not to do any throw away things or things that other people want me to do or I feel I have to do unless I want to do them, unless (for some reason) it is the right thing to do for me. I have never been selfish and never really protected myself in that way - I have always felt obligated to others. I was brought up to care more for others then for myself and to not account for my own feelings in a situation before I account for how I might be making others feel.

This is, in essence, why the Robot ran away. I think I was very good for him for a time. He was good for me too, in way I will write about some day, but when he realized that I would always make him feel - and he didn't want to feel those things anymore - he went with a person who made him feel like when we first met. Which was wonderful for the most part, but also bad in some ways. I loved those days, but not more then I loved getting to know what our future would be - could have been.

The funny thing is hindsight - as it always is, you see things that you don't see while you are going through it. In the movies and books I can always guess what I am supposed to be paying attention to and can guess what will happen to those characters because of it, but in my life, my real life, I can never see those things or guess them. I see them for others - all of the time and want to tell them to not do things because I know how it will turn out - but I found out early that is not a good way to keep friends...

So anyway - the thing I should have paid attention to - which in a move or book would have been very clear to me and even cliché... was a report on NPR that I heard while The Robot was sleeping in the car on our drive to Boston (as he almost always did)

It was a report on the fact that out of everyone who got divorced (and that is over 50% of people) 90% of those divorces are within the first 5 years. Coming up fast on our 5-year anniversary. This made my ears prick up. I had no indication we would not be together in just a few weeks. That my whole world would be suddenly and cruelly changed - but he did - he knew - somewhere in the sleepy recesses he was already gone. I just didn't know. I told him of the report and he took too much of an interested. An interest in the way he always took when something was bothering him, but I didn't notice, I thought it was something else, something about work, something about the collective or the band...

But that, as most things, does not matter anymore.

Other things that don’t matter anymore…

All people who have relationships have things they have to work out. I always did more house work then the Robot – I felt bad, he felt guilty, but nothing much came if it, not for lack of trying though – I made a list of chores, he made a list – we tried – it didn’t matter

Look at this

TIME FRAME DATE DATE DATE

Fri 7-9
Sat 11-1
Sun 12-2
Mon 7-9

CHORES
Basement
Vacuumed
Cat Liter
Sun Room Sweep
Dust Table
Wash Floor
Hallway Dust Table
Sweep
Wash Floor
Living Room Vacuumed Rug
Sweep
Wash Floor
Dining Room Dust Table
Sweep
Wash Floor
Kitchen Clean out Fridge
Clean off Counters
Clean Stove
Sweep
Wash Floor
Dishes/dishwasher
Shake out rugs
Laundry Room Shake out rugs
Clean Surfaces
Clean Toilet
Sweep
Wash Floor
Stairs Up Sweep
Wash
Hallway Sweep
Wash
Master Bedroom Dust
Vacuumed
Spare Bedroom Dust
Vacuumed
Bathroom Shake out rugs
Sweep
Wash Floor
Clean Surfaces
Clean Toilet
Clean Bathtub



It is a crazy list – and something I would do almost every week – the idea of writing it out was to get him to help – we even put timeframes there because we were going to do the chores “together” it never happened – to my recollection we did a few of the things a few of the times and then went back to our old ways. And now – the house is for sale, our life is not ours and I never do the chores unless the real-estate agent says she needs to come over.

See how much we do that doesn’t really matter? Things can be messy – they will be cleaned – relax, don’t worry about what time he goes to bed, just worry about yourself and being happy


Post where you want – consequences are in consequential