One year after he left

1 year later - I still wake up crying sometimes. I still think of the sweet things and the scary things. I can't get 100% righted in my own mind. I think of "I" too much and also not enough.

Bill collectors call - and no matter how many times I say - he left me, we're divorced - stop calling me at work, they keep right on. They tell me things I don't want to know. If I hang up, they call right back. One guy named "Paul" told me his story, his wife did the same thing. Took off one day and didn't call him for days. When she did call she was in Atlantic City (They lived in Colorado at the time). He hadn't slept, thought she had been kidnapped or worse. She was laughing when she called. "right out of a movie" he said "She tells me, she's gone to do something for herself for once." He hears her talking in hushed tones to someone. He is frantic, like I was and sometimes still am. It was the same for him. he saw her once after that, in the office of a lawyer just like me.

Paul, I am sorry for you. I am sorry that you became a bill collector to find her. It's a story I will write after I am done writing my own. I am sorry she moved in with that man, had his children when she didn't want yours. I am sorry it was really about him when she said over and over again it was for herself. Paul - read last year, how desperate I was, how sad and blind sided. Read that and know there are others for whom pain becomes a blanket. Then throw that off, it's no good - they don't think of you like you think of them. The longing is not there for them. They have a dark spot, a blind spot a spot with no feeling towards you. It eats up all of that energy you send to them and turns it around, crunches it in teeth made of glittery broken glass and swallows it down.

Of course I can't take my own advice - I still spend too much energy on him on them

I asked the Tarot reader if his life was better now - if he had made the right decisions - Looks like neither was really right - but - as the tarot reader said - Honey this is your life, you can't be doing Tarot for someone else. Let go

Here's hoping that this is the year of letting go, of finding my own path rather then following that of his. Taking what I've learned being Edrie and molding it into a stroang and creative force that will drive the rest of my life.

The Tarot reader laid down these cards - they are for him, but they could have been for me too:

	The Two Paths spread provides insight into an important decision the possible outcomes, and the forces that draw you towards each of these outcomes. The Curious Tarot is the rarest and most unusual of modern decks. The cards form a surreal collage of American consumer imagery, eerily capturing the archetypes of the atomic age. It is the deck of those who seek to harness the ancient tribal energy that courses through the modern urban world.
	The top left card represents the first possible outcome. Queen of Cups, when reversed: The dark essence of water, such as a deep and foreboding lake: Discomfort with the worlds of mind and matter, leading to a retreat to the spiritual. The embrace of negative relationships, driven by the desperate fear of being alone. Devotion to fantasies and daydreams, to the exclusion of practical skills or the pursuit of knowledge. Insecurity leading to dishonor, vice, and undue susceptibility to outside influences.
	The top right card represents the second possible outcome. The Star, when reversed: Lost hopes, doubt and failure. Physical health and mental outlook lost in the outer darkness. Desperation leading to blind faith in false solutions.
	The middle left card represents the force drawing you towards the first possible outcome. Page of Swords: The essence of air behaving as earth, such as a steady wind: The approach of an unexpected challenge, to be met with clear thought and just action. A person filled with an eager appetite for all matters of mind and logic. The gathering of information through unfaltering vigilance, careful examination, and subtle spycraft. The use of reason or eloquent speech to penetrate the veil of confusion and cut to the heart of the matter.
	The middle right card represents the force drawing you towards the second possible outcome. The Emperor, when reversed: Weakness in character leading to tyranny and abuse of worldly power. Loss of confidence and ambition, coupled with the cold execution of the unthinkable. The inability to carry out plans or command respect. Being unreasonable and prone to fits of rage. A deceiver or demagogue.
	The bottom card represents the critical factor that decides what will come to pass. The Fool, when reversed: Apathy, negligence, and dangerous carelessness. Unquenchable wanderlust. Obsession with someone or something. Losing all sense of proportion. Foolhardy adventuring and lack of interest in critical matters. Immature or unrealistic ideals. Strange impulses and desires coming from unexpected sources. Vanity, delirium, folly, and oblivion.