Edrie

I had the loveliest lunch with Teru and her office mate. Ate too much, talked just enough, hugged not quite enough.

Still though, what a sad time this is. I had to put a note on my phone to not call his extension just to chat - how sad is that. He's been gone a month and still after I got back from lunch I called him to tell him I stopped for tea and got him a tea...

yes, I got him a tea - even though he is not here. Must be the Tinto talking.

Why would you do that, you know he is gone. He can get his own tea. You waited on him too much and not enough on yourself - that is what people say. People also say - what is wrong with her... he left, must have been a reason - I say that too, wonder what is wrong with me, why I am broken.

Can I tell them I was too good to him, my intensions were not what he wanted, they don't care, he doesn't care - do I even care anymore

he said to me - why is it now OK to hurt yourself

I had no answer - cause I still don't know why - nor do I much care

All I want is a real love that you can count on for all time. Not something that was convenient, something taken away on a spring breeze. She always wanted to live in SF. SO he tried it, doesn't like it. Funny that it is the rainiest spring they have had in 20 years, funny that they are expecting an earthquake any day. Funny that he now has a plan. I wish I had one but I don't. I don't know what I should or even can do. I never wanted to start over. I said I would never get married again, and I did. How stupid was I to give myself to someone again. Just like that, my whole heart. And I did love him, still do, can't help it. I still want to love him, want to call him Big Bunny want him to appreciate all that I did. Appreciate me now for who I am. We lost intimacy - he said - but he didn't know what that was, not really. If he did he would know he doesn�t have it with Mary. She doesn't have intimacy with herself - so how can she give herself to someone else.
Actually he told me he isn�t in love with her. I hope she knows that. Maybe he was lying; maybe he is in love with her. I don�t know, for her sake I hope she can accept what that means, I hope I can.

Ahhh there I go again, jealous and judging. I covet her youth and her free spirit, though not her debts and her family. I covet her face and body, but not her insecurity. I covet her free spirit but not her soul. She had everything I always wanted and now she has what I had. She left something behind though, not knowing what she had� Not knowing I would get the better end of the deal.

It is not age that is not a factor - it is reality - it is truth

One saving grace is lunch, the other is an hour drive to spend 5 minute with someone you love the last is friends who want to take care of you.

I have all of this and I have to remind myself of that on those night when I am alone and having nightmares and want to find the sword under my bed and run myself through. Why didn�t you just do it for me? It would have been far less painful then this slow death.

I sleep with it under my bed now, that sword you were so proud of. I sleep with it there incase that man comes back, incase you come back incase I can�t take it anymore. It is sharp � I�ve tried it, it works. Would a Japanese style be too dramatic? I saw it is Sho Gun � I am confident I would have the courage.

Do you remember that Apple Steve? I took a bit and so did you- what happened to it? Its rotting flesh not good enough anymore? I thought it grew into a tree, one with flowers and bees. But I guess it just died and rotted and you expected that all along, longed for it, waited for the time when you could be free of its promise.

Am I in love again? There is no apple, there are no strings. If I had known before what it should be like, would I have taken a bite?

Stop reading this, I am no longer yours � you no longer care what happens to me. You left me on the tarmac. You ran over my heart in the Ben Franklin cab. You only felt bad when you though you made me into you. And you did, isn�t� that funny, I am now you.

You but not yours, not anymore

Stop crying � stop crying � stop crying � dammit Sarah � stop it.