Edrie

It's easter - this is one of thos holidays that I always looked forward too, but not for the reasons one would think. I'm not really into Zombie Jesus, but I am into spring and renewal and making a lovely dinner for someone I love. This year Spring came, but there will be no dinner.

For quite a few years we've gotten a honey baked ham and made a lovely easter dinner together. I always found it fun and exciting. This year I am sitting in T's house keeping her dog company. Someone did get me a chocolate bunny (2 actually!!!)- my favorite kind - the hollow ones that cost $.89.... And I can't tell you how wonderful it was to eat it for breakfast. it made me feel so special that that person would even think of getting me something so heart warming.

I am sad though. Spring is renwal - spring is hope - and I am (5 weeks later) almost there?

I had a really good conversation about the future last night (ok early this morning) - how I might move on and what the possibilites are. It's pretty scary - but I can't continue like I am. Floating, wondering. I have to keep moving forward, not looking back over and over again.

It will cost so much money and so many tears - far more tears then I thought I had. I cried again today - watching a makeover show - one he said he liked but I found out (as you do when people are changing their minds about you) that he hated. Trinny and Suzannahhhhhh helped two women whose husbands left them - helped them look differnt so they would feel different.

I am going to try it Thursday night - look differnt, be differnt, do something I would never have considered doing before. I've already done some of this. Some of the things I have done in the last couple of days surprized even me.

Still though I must be the respoinsible one - taking care of T's house and dog. Thinking about how I will care for Steve's cat and for my own. Thinking what I will do in the future - who will fix this, who will pay for that.

I have to write a check to the commonwealth of MA for 210. And I don;t have the $. I don't have the cash to file for divorce - how heart breaking - but my sister sent me a check - just for "fun" $ she said - it will be fun to pay for the divorce with that.

My mom had a dream that I would win the lottery - I bought a ticket - If this can happen to me, I guess anything can.

Does marraige really mean anything to anyone? Marriage is the opposite of selfish.
Should I do it again, and if I did or didn't would it matter?

There are good things today - warm and sunny day with a REALLY nice view of the lake and people sailing. A long walk with Willy - who loves to walk. And the Easter Movie Marathon - food that I am looking forward to, friends that I am looking forward to.

I need to start writing again - make that time - I need to be by myself though - after this week I am not sure what I am going to do... I don't really want to stay with people, but out there by myself - I go back wards in time. I cry and can't concentrait, though this past saturday, with L there cleaning with me... It was OK, she said what I was thinking, wow this doesn't even look like your house anymore...

It is stipped of me, of us, it is a show house with only things in it that will sell. The personal stuff is hidden away...And soon his stuff will be gone, the only thing of his still left is what he left in my body, my cells.

How long will it take to make me new? No trinny or suze here (actually I can't even watch it at my house since I have shut off most things - including BBC)

one more thing I was thinking about yesterday was the L word. How the character I hated took off for the "experaince" she was a writer- she needed something to write about. She betrayed her stability to have experainces. Did I hate her so much because of the character, or because I feared what she did would happen to me? It was such a bright thought I had to pull over to consider it.

Why didn't I do it first - why do I have to be the one left

I want to be the one who is free - ro at least feels free - the lesson is, noone is ever free - because we always bring ourselves with us.