Edrie

What a day

So so so bad

And now I am watching House where a very sick woman lied to her girlfriend of 8 years (before she got sick of course) about being alergic to a dog her GF got her for her birthday, because she was tired of the girlfriend and she was thinking of leaving her..

Tired of her - how cruel

It was a very upsetting day - my worst fears for the septic system slowly unfolded over a matter if 4.5 hours. Three man standing in my yard by 2 huge holes telling me very bad news. I had to excuse myself and cry in my closet for a few minutes. When I got back the guy who will most likely eventually replace my system gave me a hug. It is small things that can make you feel better.

I got to talk to someone on the way home (home - ha - I meant T's though I heard today that home is where i lay my head...) and when i got here... I can't beleive how lucky I am sometimes - luck in the face of such terrible sorrow.

Who am I and what should I do...

Do what you must, the thing that you should do for you. But remember it is not just you - there are so many more people you affect every single day. Not to mention you brought her on your adventure - eventhough you have said it is not about her - it does affect her. not that I should care about any of it. I have to take care of me now - you siad so, everyone said so - so why do I still try? 'cause it doesn;t do any good to hate - hate makes you bitter. I learned that from the first divorce

I found a note today - something he wrote while he was DJing my graduation (literally while he was up there giving me what I thought was a present to me for doing what I had done). Two weeks ago it would have put me in the closet. But when I read it all I thought was... wow - how could I not have known, but really I can't know what he doesn't tell me. And he tricked me into thinking it was about S and really it was about us all along.

Or maybe it was never about us - maybe I was never really a part of the us... I guess I just don't know now.

He told me today that it would only be a matter of time before I hated him. He seemed to not only expect it, but want it. He wants to think I hate him - sorry too bad. I guess I never can give you what you want. No matter my intentions... Which were good, but not right for you (at least that is what you said in your note)

I rambeled... didn't make sense... ahh Tuesday - I feel like I have never been normal and won't ever be

I hope I can keep this love