The love I thought I had lost forever, but perhaps, never had

So many things have been on my mind lately, Now that the big show is over and I have a break until I have to be in Boston again, I am back in my tiny new place leading my tiny new life. The worries: 1. The house - still the bullshit continues and I am going more and more in the hole. It is literally down to one more month and the bank gets it. I imagined I'd be able to live there - but within a few weeks it was quite clear I could not. I imagined selling it would be painful but pretty easy. It has not only been painful but perhaps the least easy process I could have gone through. I saved the Robot from much heartache for sure, but in doing so I did not save anything of myself, in fact it has made it impossible to mentally move on from the place I was in March. Every time there is a glimmer of hope I either have to deal with yet another disaster at the house (the latest is the septic is STILL a problem, in spite of every thing passing in from the town, the total bill is now 53, 175 and change and perhaps there is still a problem (that is not counting the 8K in fixes and improvements I had to make to it just to get it on the market), the other is the furnace and a leak and small fire - all happening while I'm lifetimes away. It really sucks to deal with these things yourself. I wish I could have kept the house, lived there, been happy. But they were in every room, I found so much no cuckolded wife should ever find. The notes were both forgotten and on purpose, cruel.
The second is I've been ill. I played our CD Release party with a temperature of 102. As far as temperatures go, 102 is not that bad for me. I generally run high fevers. Or should I say ran, when I was ill, before robot even came into the picture. There were hospitals, trips to the emergency room, infections without cause and cure, crazy drives to the Doctor holding my bleeding throat wishing someone would kill me or that I would have the guts to just let myself bleed on and on and be done with it. I have a diagnosis, a baby step to the big a big one some day (or not, no one can tell me - that kind is not for sure until your muscles are water and you are a brain only)- I refused the chemo, refused the drugs and I was fine. For years - now some of the symptoms are back, and I haven't let myself be scared, but at night I have a hard time sleeping the physical evidence is more and more. I need to go back to the Doctor but I know what they will say and I wish hard to not go through any of it. Robot never had to deal with this, I hid when I was ill because it made him so crazy, made him mire ill, perhaps it was good for me, perhaps not.
The saving grace is that from before, I learned not to sit too still. Sit still and feel sorry for yourself, sit still and not be able to get up again. I got up, I have to, I rest, sure someone is making sure of that and I think him because I wouldn't without that. But, like the release party, sometimes you just have to, no matter what the consequences, no matter the pain and agony. Never let it show, just keep moving.
The reality is that these things that are happening could just go away. Exercise a bit, lose some more weight be calm and slow and DON'T worry so much and the body will heal and keep this at bay. I am trying so hard to do that, trying so hard to let each little knife in this terrible six months pierce me but then heal. Don't pick at the wounds, don't get drawn into silly emails, don't say - well yes I could give your stuff back, if I had it (why don't you just sell it - he told me over and over - but I couldn't it was like selling a liver or a stomach), but you never wanted it (And I gave you so much you just left behind - what about that stuff - so I get any credit for not burning it), yes I want my domain back but what can I give you - I spend 125$ a month to keep you in health insurance because I was afraid you did not have any - is that worth the price of my domain. After several emails back and forth, nothing was resolved, still bargaining, like he always used to with others but never with me. Now I am on the other side and it hurts so much, I can barely think about it. After all those years of trying so hard for him to see me as a person and as someone who wanted to help and how loved him so deeply, it is down to bargaining about a stupid domain - yes I want it, but can't he see I've done so much and I have nothing left physically or mentally. Never let is show, just keep moving sigh it is so hard. I have to concentrate on the good stuff. In spite of yet another trip to MN with pokes and prods, there will also be a wedding - which is going to be happy in spite of me being sad and negative about weddings. But their wedding has none of the sadness and they are doing it their way. So after the poking and prodding I will be out there smiling and hugging and hoping beyond hope that things go well forever and ever for them. That they realize that each other is the important thing and you can make yourself happy for a time by ignoring those who poured heart and soul into you, but it will all come back around, eventually. I am not saying I was all good, no one is, but I did not deserve this, I did not deserve the action or the aftermath. It was cruel in the extreme. So cruel that even in his mustang and long hair and new leather duster, he could not look at me in the eye and that is and will be the last time we see each other. Some times I miss so much that person who was so funny, so talented so full of life and theory. One of those rare people who comes up with something so out there, but then can back it up, and if helped, can make it happen. This is not about what I have now, this is about he past and how it intrudes into my healing time and is making me ill. I would be dead now if it weren't for those people who have helped me thus far. So many of you and a few that have gone so far above and beyond. I love you all so much. Thank you for keeping me looking forward as much as I can, and for giving me the love I thought I had lost forever, but perhaps, never had.