Nothing and then everything

Nothing and then everything

Nightmares are interesting things. Often mine are based around things I am actively trying not to think about – like selling my house. And things I caught on TV – like a helicopter made of wood and a chair. These odd things get paired up in a sheet-twisting nightmare that wakes me at 4am and doesn’t allow my brain to get back into sleep mode.
The actual dream becomes faded and unimportant the but thoughts I’ve been trying to quell then have a chance to float right above my closed eyes in the soft grey front of my brain. Did I do that math correctly? Will the offer really only lose me a few thousand dollars. Is it really worth it? What else can I do? I’m stuck in a new city trying to leave the old city behind – I need to get rid of it and him and all of the rest.
Course – I am still partly in this old city – playing a show here or there, seeing friends from before. But I am new and the friends are treating me newly. This is a good thing, I am a different person, or maybe more like the person I should have been all along.
Now I only take care of me and sometimes even get taken care of. Getting taken care of feels very good. Friends making you go out dancing feels really good. Being able to say – yes I’ll be there Friday for your show – and not have to worry that at the last minute, someone will have a breakdown and you’ll end up crying yourself to sleep instead worried about yourself and the person and how disappointed you are that those fun things are not really fun but a hollow and forced attempt at fun. But there is no guilt anymore – I can say I will be there and unless I don’t want to go, I will go and have fun and not have to worry that I will come home to disaster. It is such a strange feeling. Complete independence. Hard to get used to actually.
I invited some friends for dinner tonight – I am cooking steak (which I have not done in eons as I rarely eat meat) and I am looking forward to it, none of the worries of mood or angst. And I had coop this past Sunday. The first one I’ve had in months and months. It was GREAT. Everyone was here and there was much chatting and laughter and eating. I love cooking for people.
Why the nightmares then, well I guess you can never leave your old life completely behind.
The music doesn’t help – performing reminds me of my time with the other band. But it’s weird. This band is so different and I am different in it. I am confident, I am up front. I take my clothes off for fuck’s sake. AND the most AMAZIONG thing… I sing. And I can hardly believe it, but enough people have told me honestly and sincerely… but I sing well. Even when I was told over and over again for years that I did not sing well and my confidence in singing was so low that I could barely open my mouth to sing by myself in the car. Now I sing all of the time and it feels SO releasing. Everyone should try it.
After my last performance (where I have to admit, I hit a few clunkers) a wonderful singer and famous music teacher came up to me and told me what a sweet and clear voice I had and asked me where I had gone to school for voice. Even after I told her my only school was church choir and singing in the car growing up, she insisted I must have studied with this certain teacher in New York that she knew. “Oh no, you do his style, it’s quite clear” she gave me her email and his number and told me to contact them both. “We set things up all of the time, you’d be a good fit – please do contact us”
I try to quiet the doubts, the nightmares the “can I really do this” thoughts I have every waking moment. Everyone has them, I am no different, but I feel like I’ve gone through a war. Can you believe it’s been since March. Is the reality that it had been since much much before that? The two of hearts says yes, more journals then I care to read say yes, but for me, March was when I became nothing and then everything.