So hot and tired

The house is a furnace and I am really tired - I think I got 4 hours of sleep last night

All of the changes at work are really hard to take - so is not knowing if I will have a job in a few weeks or not...

Why do all of these changes have to happen at once?

I am having very bad anxiety dreams again, but I will not take any of that stuff anymore - I think it makes me sad.

The therapist is a riot though - I see her every other week now. I really hate talking about myself, but she makes me and it is good I suppose. I never back out of a promise and I made this one to my sister. So I have to go - it will be good for me in the end.

And no interest in the house at all - I am going to make flyers and post them this weekend. I hope it works.

I also got the first bill for the loan for the septic system (which isn't in yet and wont be for a few more weeks)- OMG is all I have to say - and I am paying interest only -please sell house, please sell and let me break even on that.

My consolidation went through for my student loan so the payment is just under $500 a month - but in 10 years (10 really wow) I'll have that paid off

I could defere for hard ship - I could also get a credit card, but why fuck myself even more finaincially. it's not worth it, just don't eat or drive or go out and I'm fine. And I'm not helping anymore - though I would if asked.

Of course I took the max student loan for both years (40 K in total) because I used the 20K extra to pay the credit card debt (discover and Amex Blu and a good chunk of citi bank) 'cause in the long run the student loan was less interest. I hadn't anticipated what happened - I thought it was good for us to do this. But there is no us, and he has his own problems

Then he goes and says - how can your student loan payment be so high? Um right, like you don't remember the conversations and the fact we paid off SO Much $ in just two years. fickel memory

I am not getting a divorce though. He'll have to figure that one out

The farmer's market is back - so saturday I will go get yummy bread and have that and tea. It makes me happy to do those little things

And my sister is still coming - no matter what. I told her I wanted to go to NY that weekend and then come back sunday and hope that he was there to pick us up, so that we could start over. She didn't think anything good would come of it, but I thought it might be nice to at least pretend. But pretending doesn't get you very far in real life.

Ahh well - I have a show anyway and that will be much more fun then pretending