Last night my mother called today “The first day of your new life”. In reality that day happened almost 6 months ago now when the Robot decided this his life should begin anew and my life (as a consequence and nothing more) should as well.
I have to say – for a new life – most parts of this have really sucked. Not since my father died have I cried so much, I have NEVER had to figure so much stuff out before – so many set back and kicks in the teeth, just another one the other day. A bill for yet another thing relating to selling a house I am a stranger too.
I calculated how much the divorce has cost me over all in the unexpected expenses and it is topping out at a whopping 64,000. The 50 for the septic but the rest – god the list is so long and poised to get longer.
There have been good things though. The band is doing very well and it is probably the most fun I have had working with another person on a project. Also getting a few movies made with has been really cool – esp. since I can’t wait to see what the Diva does with the dialogue and music and her own vision.
I am so tired though – no the kind of tired that is normal “oh I didn’t sleep well” tired, but a tired that comes straight from inside and permeate my bones and brain and makes me sit for hours listening and watching nothing but the voices and pictures in my head.
So many what if’s and now – today – there is so much that will change. SO much that will be entirely new. A part of me wants to stay in bed, thinking about this and writing about this, but I know that staying in bed never got anything done – I had a very good example of that.
I am excited for my new life. (Well, "Excited and scared" to quote a musical - oh God did *I* just quite a musical???)I am hoping the still open soars of the old one don’t do anything to jeopardize the good parts. As we all no, even if you run away – life finds you. I would never do that, never just run - no matter how tempting- I cannot be cruel, but it is a romantic thought. Instead I will try very hard to let go, burn some sage against eh black oil seeping from my eyes. Do a prayer and emit white light to protect myself from those evil influences. Start my new life with only a shadow of the past. Shadows can’t hurt you unless you let them, and I won’t let them
Bring on the new life – Mom was right – today, it all starts over.
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It will get eaiser as time goes by. It is overwhelming right now trying to figure out how your going to pay this bill or that bill or even get yourself out of bed some days. You WILL pull yourself through it and do what you have to. I speak from experience, I went through somthing similar not all that long ago and you just figure it out. You'll find it wont be that long before you find yourself in a much better place; at peace. Keep the Faith, and just keep moving forward.
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