Edrie

3/19/06 � Comment

I decided that all of the stuff in my head needs to get out on paper. Because of the funny way time moves forward. Some of the things in here are true only for the time I have written them (today) and some are true only for when they happened. Because my feelings are constantly changing and what I remember is more or less emotional, I have tried to write the facts as I know them. I only have my side and random emails Steve has sent. I would say I have history as well, the history of our relationship to draw on, but I can�t say that the history matters to this story because is seemed to not matter to him. If it did, would this have happened? It doesn�t feel inevitable, but maybe after I write our life out... I will see it that way.

The bottom line in all of this is that no matter what, I still love him and have a safe place for him to come to. He hurt me very badly and if he can live with himself, I can forgive him.

Come home Steve, Face this. Rule your life like you say you want to, like you say this was for. Face up to it and make it yours. Right now it is something you started but have not followed through on. You are better then that. You know it. You have learned so much. Don�t throw it away out of fear.

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What I remember


Steve always wants to feel very closely connected to people. If he doesn�t he gets depressed and doubts his relationship with them. It happened with his first wife and then with me. Here is what I remember of the incident. This is from my point of view, which is the only one I have since Steve left and won�t talk to me on the phone or in person and I do not know where he is.

Steve and I have been through alot he is bipolar and tends towards the depressed. I w3as very happy in the relationship, but it was a challenging one filled with constant work making sure he was ok. He worked too, not just me. He worked to feel better.

We started talking about what he wanted to do in life. Graduate school seemed a distinct possibility. I was encouraging. Happy he wanted to try. He seemed more dedicated to that then he had to anything in a really long time. Steve tends to go overboard when he wants to get into something. Grad school was no different. It was emotional for him. He did tons of research and bought a great number of books and online aids. He was narrowing down his choices. But he was scared I now he was. Nervous he would not get in even if he did his best. I think that fear of failure had a lot to do with him running away. He was faced with a life-changing event and he couldn�t face the fact that he might have to work really hard and still not get what he wanted. I told him to try. That this fear is normal. I had it. But Steve was no confident in his secret heart he thought he would fail. I knew that he wouldn�t if he went into action instead of into emotion.

Then there was the job. He really hated it and was constantly disappointed by his work and his boss and the general way things were done. He tried so hard. But nothing worked. We talked for a long time and he resigned. It really was the best thing but then he got scarred. Now that he wasn�t working he had no excuse but to buckle down on grad school. And maybe that is not what he wanted in life? But what did he want? Then came Mary

Mary is energy in black clothing. She is light and darkness and fun with razors. She excited Steve from the second he knew her. We�ve been friends with her and Walter for over a year but Steve needed a closer connection. He tried several others. Several more safe options before the night Walter and Mary came over.

Mary was self-destructive that night. She gave me a tarot reading that predicted the future that she wanted. Living with me loving me having sex with me. But I was scarred. I wanted her too, but I knew that would destroy Steve and Walter. So I went to bed. She came in with me, tried to convince me, but I said no. I could not ruin what I had. Even if I wanted t o go in that direction I was not fair unless I was open with both Steve and Walter. Mary was not open. She was closed and would never tell Walter her true feelings. Mary drank and Walter went to bed. I stayed in bed. Steve got sucked in and stayed up with her all night. It affected his stability. He was worried and neurotic. She had him. She was inside his head. There was the connection.

He tried to fight it off but it just got stronger. She was everything I was not. Spontaneous where I was a planner. Crazy where I was careful. Young where I was ancient. I love Mary, but she wanted this to happen and it did. She is more powerful then I am. Then we went to their house to hang out. I didn�t want to go. 1/4 of the way there I told Steve this was a bad idea and that I felt ill. He laughed at me. Told me I was silly. We went and had a really fun time. I watched a movie with Walter while Steve and Mary did a bass lesion in the barn. The bass lesion was not all music. It turned out to be furtive passion. Walter and I did not know, we were so relieved that things seemed to be OK again, that Mary and Steve were just friends. We had no idea of the pain to come.

Mary hugged me and kissed me on the lips before we left. Steve shook Walter�s hand. We drove home and Steve was tired. Could not talk. This happens often, but I should have known. I should have seen this coming. The next day I was staying home from work as a treat to myself. I should not have done this, looking back now. But it seems inevitable. Steve took a 2-minute shower. I thought he was acting strangely, but that maybe he was just worried about driving in (he had always hated doing that so I had taken over for the last 2 years). In reality had had taken a bunch of pain pills and a huge knife and out them in his backpack. He was falling over the edge of sanity and I didn�t know. He lied to me, to my face. Told me he was happy I was staying home and to have a fun day free of worry. He told me not to call his cell phone. I had no idea why, but why question your husband whom you love. I am not sure of the exact sequence of events. But he did go to work that Monday (3/6) but left quickly and went to see Teru at her work (10amish). He stayed for along time telling her about things. She urged him to go home to talk to me. She thought he would. He told her about the pills but not about the knife. She did not call or email me until 4pm to tell me. In the mean time I had called Steve at work a few times with no response. I did get a message saying he had quite a few meetings and would be unavailable until 2pm. It was a lie. He was already gone from the office when he left that message. I finally got a call at 4pm from Steve. I knew instantly NOTHING was right. I freaked a little. He tried to tell me everything was OK, but I could tell. He was talking like he used to when he was in the hospital. All disconnected and vague.

I got an email from Teru at the same time. It made my heart sink. I showered and drove in to meet Steve for 6pm in Central Square. He was gregarious but sad. He wanted to meet in public. I freaked out. He told me he had almost killed himself and that he had almost run away with Mary. She didn�t know about the knife or the pills. He lied to her by omission as well. He kissed her, touched her. Told her he loved her. It hurt me so much. I am a clam and rational person, I rarely let anything out, but that night in the restaurant I cried, I yelled I screamed. He had almost hurt himself and he had lied lied lied to me. And now he thought him choosing to come home would instantly make it better. I was so hurt. We went to our favorite hotel. Stayed the night to make it better. He missed a counseling session with his therapist. I wish I had made him go. We bathed together, I felt odd being naked with him. We slept but I was so sad. So angry at myself at him at Mary. I asked him to give me time and he seemed to want to, but in classic Steve fashion, he couldn�t wait as long as I needed.

We talked alot, Mary sent me email. I was jealous at first and then I was sad. Sad for them and sad for me. I thought things would get better. I told him they could still be friends if she was honest with Walter and if STEVE himself faced Walter. She did not want him to, but Steve did not know it was because she wasn't telling Walter the whole truth, just a small part of the resemblance of the truth. (I hope she gets over that - or it will hurt Steve a great deal in the long run)I wish he had done that because Mary wasn�t as honest with Walter as she told Steve she was being. I wish I had called Walter and told him everything I knew because he thought it was a crush. He didn�t know the extent. He was left in the dark. He didn�t deserve that because I have come to find out he is sensitive and sweet and would not hurt a fly (or even a 1/2 dead mouse).

Timing is everything. My sister was coming to visit me for 2 weeks. The First time in 5 years that we would get to hang with each other by ourselves a bit. We decided on a NY trip long before any of this happened. She came on Thursday of that week. We left for NY the morning for Friday the 10th. Steve stayed behind. He told me to have fun, sent me email and text messages assuring me not to worry. I am not sure if it was the beginning of the lies or if that was the truth and because he won�t talk to me in person, I will not know.

Friday night he met Mary at a coffee shop and then took her to dinner at our favorite sushi place (a place I will never eat at again). What he told me of the meeting was that he pushed her away. He stood up for our relationship, told her he didn�t love her in that way and that it could not work between them. He left her to go home and I talked to him that night. He was sad but relieved things had gone OK. He told me to have fun. It was Over he would be seeing his friend in Ct the next night.

Saturday morning I got an email from Walter. Had I seen Mary, did I know where she was? She had told him she would meet him after work on Friday, after going out with her friends. She was supposed to be there at 11 to pick him up. He waited at Applebee�s until they kicked him out at 2am. He had to leave his license because he had no money. He had to call his father to get him. He thought she was in a crash. She never met her friends.
I told Steve all of this over the phone and then in email. Looking back I feel I should not have, but what else could I do? Steve was the last to see her.

This is where the lies really start and I do not know Steve�s truth from Steve reality. I now that he at some point on Saturday got a hold of Mary and that she came over. What he told me he was doing was going to Springfield to see his friend from NY. I found out later that he did not see her. That was a lie to me. What he did do that night I am not sure of. When we talked on the phone he was happy and excited and he said his friend from NY was fun but annoying and that the restaurant in Springfield was crowded. I know he was with Mary then but I do not know the truth of what they did. Nor do I know when they decided to run away. I do know that over the next few hours they made plans.

They packed a few things, they bought toiletries, and they died Steve�s hair. They had sex in our bed and on the couch and perhaps other places. I am not sure. They concocted an elaborate plan to get me my car and to �explain� themselves. Mary was not as thoughtful as Steve. She took the only transportation that she and Walter had. She took all of his money and his guitar. She sent him a 2-line email saying that it was over, but not explaining anything.
Steve was odd on the phone on Sunday. I thought he was sad about Mary, worried about her. I told him to keep calling her, trying to find her. Making sure she was OK. I was worried too. He said he had not heard from her. He told me he would be at the airport, that he could not wait for me to get home (this was hard later, remembering those three conversations � him saying he could not wait for me to get home and me thinking then it was because he missed me, but then realizing it was because he wanted me to find out and for him to stop talking to me like nothing was wrong). There are two details I must mention here. They are probably not important but I think of them now and wonder if I had a clue and did not know it. At 3:03 Sunday morning I woke up crying. I wanted to email Steve or call home, I wanted to go to the airport or have him come get us. But I told myself I was being silly and to just forget it and enjoy my sister's company. At 3:03 that afternoon I began to panic. I am not sure why. I thought I was nervous to get to the airport, but looking back I wonder if it was more. Our plane was really late and when we finally landed I got a text message from Steve. It just said that there was a problem and that I was to get my car at school and gave me instructions on how to do that. I passed out. They wanted to call the hospital. My sister was worried, confused. Made jokes. Did not know whey Steve was not coming to pick us up. Just thought he was too nervous to drive in the airport. Our cab driver was Ben Franklin. He kept me from screaming the whole way to the car. The car had an ID and note in the gas cap. The key to the car was in his office, but not HIS office the outer office. This caused me anguish. His office was dark and locked and it was final, just like I felt. I died a bit when I saw that. Almost passed out again. I gave my sister the note and she read it to herself as we walked back to the car. She cried like I was crying, hurting for me and for what was done. She asked if she could drive but neither of us knew what to do. I almost didn�t make it home. If she had not been there I would have killed myself.

Getting home was the worst thing. Things were packed the bed was unmade. I could smell where they had had sex. He washed the sheets and the cover to the bed. I found a dread lock of hers in our room. I found her hair in my towel. I could see their trash. I could see the things he left including his bass. I could not make out what he took. But it seemed to me he took nothing except things he could sell later if he had too. I had been up since three on Sunday and now it was 11pm. I was so worried. I did not have Walters phone number but I emailed him and asked him to call. He was so upset. I was so upset. I stayed up for nearly 48 hours panicking, not knowing anything reading and rereading that note and catching words here and there.

That fist night I just texted and called his phone and sent him emails. I did not tell anyone but Walter. It wasn�t until 7am Monday morning that I called his brother. And then started emailing and calling everyone I thought he might get into contact with. I was so afraid he was manic. That he would do something. It was a classic manic episode. This very one was written out in an essay online. A man described how his wife did the very same thing. Seemed completely sane but had done all of this elaborate planning and left him at the airport and drive around the country pretending to be someone else. Everyone told me to call the police, but I did not want to. Steve loved me. He would not leave me and he would not hurt Mary or do anything crazy. But I thought he would not leave too so I was confused. Hurt. Unsure. Who was this man, did I even know him? What was he doing and where was he?

Things get foggy here on Monday because of all of the crying and worry and lack of sleep. I will try to say what I did and in what order things happened, but I honestly could have strangled someone and not remembered because I was insane with grief. My mother said it was like I was dieing a little at a time starting with the place in my heart and body and mind where Steve could hurt me worst and extending out from there. Cells slowly sloughing off not to be reborn. I spent all of my time walking around the house with both my cell phone and regular phone in my hands. I checked my email all of the time. I called people. I was like a shell only worried about one thing� contact. I did not get it. I got contact through others, but not directly, it is the cruelest way. The most painful thing anyone can do to you. They said they loved you, but can�t respect you enough to call you. Or was it fear. What did he have to fear from me? Anger? > I wasn�t angry. I was sad. I was anguished. I was broken. Did he fear what he had done? What it was doing to me? Did he fear guilt? How could he not know that after all of these years, this would destroy me? I was angry on Monday. Angry that he wasn�t honest with me. But anger was long gone and all that was left was destruction. Perhaps he hoped for that. Was he trying to be mean? He kept saying it was better for him this way that the supportive way had been painful for both of them in his last marriage. But I think he thought only of himself in this one. He did not remember that I was a person. His Ex called and emailed. He had called her on Sunday. She told me she was so sorry. That this was the cruelest way to break something off. That once Steve made up his mind, no one could talk him out of if. That had never been the case with us. But here I was, on her side, with her hurt. She was still sore after all of this time and he had done it the hard way with her. But both she and I agreed. This was much more hard and cruel. This was inexcusable. But Still I was not angry. I only wanted him safe and home and in contact. I was not even angry with Mary. I knew that if something was wrong and he crashed, she would not be able to figure out what to do.

Even today, 1 week later. I still worry. Still hope he will call and come home. I love him so much and need him and perhaps it is stupid, but I know this would make our relationship so much stronger and give us that connection he so desperately wanted. The one he thought he lost with me. The truth is, he hasn�t. It is still here. I am still here and I love him. I will write more details about the rest of the days, but this is all I can do for now.

Steve, if you read this. Come home. Call home. Start over, but with me. Don�t do what you think you need to do. DO what you want to do, in your heart. Take me along with you on this ride. This is what I am here for. What I was created to do. Take this to the next level. Don�t hide in your head and in Mary�s arms. If this is really not about her like you said and if this is really something you need to do, then it is unfair to bring her along. You have lied to her too and she is lying to you. Don�t make her sadder. Her life has been hard. Be honest. Look at her and look at what you are doing. Could it possibly be the right thing?

I love you. Come home.

Remember � this is Sunday and the story is not even 1/4 told nor is it finished. The bottom line is that I love you Steve and I want you to come home. To talk to me. To make things right