Edrie

I have started to dream again - not the frantic dreams I was having. These are sad. The images don't make sense. I woke myself up last night whimpering. Swirling images of a smoky car. A seedy hotel. mary in black, steve with Black hair. My friend C told me they called and she freaked out, it was unexpected and made her very sad. She wished she would have said something different, but she didn't know what to say - she waited for 2 days to tell me about it.

What good does it do really? he won't come back, eventhough he needs to. I have to start cleaning up my life. I was in the house by myself today and I couldn't cope. Could not deal with it all weighing down on me. Is this how Steve felt? Why did he feel he had the luxury to run from it?

He must be having a terrible time. I am the only one who ever really understood him, his thoughts, feelings, moods. Now people are trying to grasp meaning where there is none. C for example, she wanted to hug him to tell him to stay with her, but the words would not come. Then an angry email and she felt sad and angry. They are leaving for a week tomorrow and she can't fix it and told me today she waited to call cause she felt like vomiting every time she contemplated talking to me.

Return to where you were meant to be. See things from other's points of view. Someone asked me today what I did to make you angry enough to leave and I had nothing to say about it. I just went into my office and cried. What indeed?

Perhaps that is why we were so good together. Did he forget? i haven't. I never will.

But I am going to have an adventure too.

I wanted to go to CA with C and S to visit E and the gang, but S acted weird when I told her and C asked me not to come. This made me really angry and sad. I thought they were my friends but they are going to be in "vacation" mode and can't "take care of me". I dn't want to be taken care of, I want to forget. But they don't want me around. See Steve, even people you trust and who are your friends can only be friends on thier own terms. That is what was good about our relationship - we were in it for you and I.

I hope yu find that again - find someone you can treuly be one with.

Call me, if you can find a way to call C - you can call me

I start cleaning the house Monday - I took the day off. things will never be the same and it makes me sad