Edrie

Yesterday and today my heart hurts

I think things are really coming down to reality - the first two weeks were so surreal (thanks in part to not eating or sleeping) and this week I've tried to keep things very practical and moving forward.

Granted, I've had ALOT of emotional help (you know who you are my dears!)

but still, walking to the car yesterday I though for a fleeting minute that I would wait for Robot in the rotary and that the weather was so nice maybe he'd like to go to central square to that yummy food place and to Bukaroo... Then I remembered

It happened today too. Sitting in my office trying to do my first real work in 3 weeks... I have the window open and I looked out and it was so nice, I picked up the phone to dial his extenation (as I used to every day several times a day for 5 years...) to see if he wanted to have lunch in the square and get a boba tea.... Then I remembered

Why does your mind play tricks on you like that?

I saw the Dr. last night - he is still very concerend that I not be alone and I am trying very hard - but I sat in the car last night for over an hour in the parking lot of his office just sitting and sitting. Alone

I did get to go to T's house and drink wine and eat food and be a little normal - even recorded something for the pod cast, but still - there is so much heart ache and sadness

People are helping but I wish time would move forward faster

I am desperate to get this house sold and to get the other paper work done - I never wanted a divorce but it is clear that is the only way - why does it come to this

I bit the apple, and so did he - the time we spent together wasn't a lie - right? Those feelings, he really felt them too - right?

I am still scarred, still empty, still hoping - but for what I do not know as it is clear that no matter what I do or what I want - I have to find something that is me to move forward with

Please don't let me make a mistake - or always think of Robot as a mistake. At the moment I don't - I still feel like it was real and that this reality is just altered and doesn't negate the one we had... But I still wonder.

I gave him the best I had - I was my best for him. And he told me it was both too good and not good enough. Is he being the best for himself now - I hope so, that is what I will try to do, bet eh best me and hope that someday someone can appreciate that long-term and not just for stabalization before their next life adventure - I'm through being the in between person. I want to be a forever person
for me.