I'm not sure I trust - but it probably doesn't matter

So I decided a few days ago to post here again - but then I read a few of my earlier posts and almost deleted the whole thing.

So much has happened since this blog started I start to get sad just thinking about it. Not the actual things that happened but the time - the long long years and how they went so fast and how things that happened in those year seem not to matter that much.

I asked the Robot to stop reading this blog and to stop looking at my MySpace

www.myspace.com/edrie
www.myspace.com/armyoftoys

So I have to trust he will do that, though I know, in my heart – that he will probably look at everything I post publicly because he is that kind of person – someday he will search the internet for me because of something inside of him that makes him wish to tie up loose ends (like the T girl who will never talk to him again)

I will be a loose end and he will search and I will be easy for him to find. Though I know I will never find him online if he doesn’t want me too (beaker?) Though I don’t need too since I keep getting not so mysterious emails from someone giving me updates… Who could that be I wonder…

So I am going to stop wondering about others, do things that make me happy in whatever way I can be.

I made a resolution to myself this morning - to make thing matter more. To try not to do any throw away things or things that other people want me to do or I feel I have to do unless I want to do them, unless (for some reason) it is the right thing to do for me. I have never been selfish and never really protected myself in that way - I have always felt obligated to others. I was brought up to care more for others then for myself and to not account for my own feelings in a situation before I account for how I might be making others feel.

This is, in essence, why the Robot ran away. I think I was very good for him for a time. He was good for me too, in way I will write about some day, but when he realized that I would always make him feel - and he didn't want to feel those things anymore - he went with a person who made him feel like when we first met. Which was wonderful for the most part, but also bad in some ways. I loved those days, but not more then I loved getting to know what our future would be - could have been.

The funny thing is hindsight - as it always is, you see things that you don't see while you are going through it. In the movies and books I can always guess what I am supposed to be paying attention to and can guess what will happen to those characters because of it, but in my life, my real life, I can never see those things or guess them. I see them for others - all of the time and want to tell them to not do things because I know how it will turn out - but I found out early that is not a good way to keep friends...

So anyway - the thing I should have paid attention to - which in a move or book would have been very clear to me and even cliché... was a report on NPR that I heard while The Robot was sleeping in the car on our drive to Boston (as he almost always did)

It was a report on the fact that out of everyone who got divorced (and that is over 50% of people) 90% of those divorces are within the first 5 years. Coming up fast on our 5-year anniversary. This made my ears prick up. I had no indication we would not be together in just a few weeks. That my whole world would be suddenly and cruelly changed - but he did - he knew - somewhere in the sleepy recesses he was already gone. I just didn't know. I told him of the report and he took too much of an interested. An interest in the way he always took when something was bothering him, but I didn't notice, I thought it was something else, something about work, something about the collective or the band...

But that, as most things, does not matter anymore.

Other things that don’t matter anymore…

All people who have relationships have things they have to work out. I always did more house work then the Robot – I felt bad, he felt guilty, but nothing much came if it, not for lack of trying though – I made a list of chores, he made a list – we tried – it didn’t matter

Look at this

TIME FRAME DATE DATE DATE

Fri 7-9
Sat 11-1
Sun 12-2
Mon 7-9

CHORES
Basement
Vacuumed
Cat Liter
Sun Room Sweep
Dust Table
Wash Floor
Hallway Dust Table
Sweep
Wash Floor
Living Room Vacuumed Rug
Sweep
Wash Floor
Dining Room Dust Table
Sweep
Wash Floor
Kitchen Clean out Fridge
Clean off Counters
Clean Stove
Sweep
Wash Floor
Dishes/dishwasher
Shake out rugs
Laundry Room Shake out rugs
Clean Surfaces
Clean Toilet
Sweep
Wash Floor
Stairs Up Sweep
Wash
Hallway Sweep
Wash
Master Bedroom Dust
Vacuumed
Spare Bedroom Dust
Vacuumed
Bathroom Shake out rugs
Sweep
Wash Floor
Clean Surfaces
Clean Toilet
Clean Bathtub



It is a crazy list – and something I would do almost every week – the idea of writing it out was to get him to help – we even put timeframes there because we were going to do the chores “together” it never happened – to my recollection we did a few of the things a few of the times and then went back to our old ways. And now – the house is for sale, our life is not ours and I never do the chores unless the real-estate agent says she needs to come over.

See how much we do that doesn’t really matter? Things can be messy – they will be cleaned – relax, don’t worry about what time he goes to bed, just worry about yourself and being happy


Post where you want – consequences are in consequential

Last Post

This may be my last post in this blog - I have made a new one, if you would like the URL - please email me - anyone who reads this will know my email

I may post again here sometime 'cause I like the name - it is mine after all, but for now - this is over

So hot and tired

The house is a furnace and I am really tired - I think I got 4 hours of sleep last night

All of the changes at work are really hard to take - so is not knowing if I will have a job in a few weeks or not...

Why do all of these changes have to happen at once?

I am having very bad anxiety dreams again, but I will not take any of that stuff anymore - I think it makes me sad.

The therapist is a riot though - I see her every other week now. I really hate talking about myself, but she makes me and it is good I suppose. I never back out of a promise and I made this one to my sister. So I have to go - it will be good for me in the end.

And no interest in the house at all - I am going to make flyers and post them this weekend. I hope it works.

I also got the first bill for the loan for the septic system (which isn't in yet and wont be for a few more weeks)- OMG is all I have to say - and I am paying interest only -please sell house, please sell and let me break even on that.

My consolidation went through for my student loan so the payment is just under $500 a month - but in 10 years (10 really wow) I'll have that paid off

I could defere for hard ship - I could also get a credit card, but why fuck myself even more finaincially. it's not worth it, just don't eat or drive or go out and I'm fine. And I'm not helping anymore - though I would if asked.

Of course I took the max student loan for both years (40 K in total) because I used the 20K extra to pay the credit card debt (discover and Amex Blu and a good chunk of citi bank) 'cause in the long run the student loan was less interest. I hadn't anticipated what happened - I thought it was good for us to do this. But there is no us, and he has his own problems

Then he goes and says - how can your student loan payment be so high? Um right, like you don't remember the conversations and the fact we paid off SO Much $ in just two years. fickel memory

I am not getting a divorce though. He'll have to figure that one out

The farmer's market is back - so saturday I will go get yummy bread and have that and tea. It makes me happy to do those little things

And my sister is still coming - no matter what. I told her I wanted to go to NY that weekend and then come back sunday and hope that he was there to pick us up, so that we could start over. She didn't think anything good would come of it, but I thought it might be nice to at least pretend. But pretending doesn't get you very far in real life.

Ahh well - I have a show anyway and that will be much more fun then pretending

Finding Neverland

I was hopelessly naive when I married you. I thought brilliant people went to some secret place where brilliant ideas floated around like leaves in autumn.

I never anticipated that instead those people experienced for a short time then moved on. And often that moving could be cruel

I have decided not to get a divorce

A dream I had

Last night I had a dream where S and I wanted to not be living where we were living anymore. He told me he couldn't sleep and we needed to get away.

We picked a house in our neighborhood that we thought the people were not at home. We snuck in but there were tons of people there. It was a party actually. We went upstairs to a little girl’s room (she was not there) and feel asleep on the bed in there. But that didn’t' last long. S panicked and we had to sneak out of the house.

We got out with no one at the party seeing us, but I had left the car keys upstairs - so he went back to get them. The party goers then came outside to dance; I was grabbed buy a very tall guy who looked like this guy Mark that I went to Idaho with in High school. We tied our feet together and danced, just as everyone else did. We danced into the middle of the lake and he held me under the water.

When I opened my eyes I expected to be under water - that is how I woke

I want to keep my name - it is mine, has been for almost 5 years. I don't want to be forced to be a different person just becuase he said I should be.

Changing your name means that person you were is dead

Should that person I have been for this long be dead?

but then the questions come, the unexpected ones. the ones that were funny when he was here

You don't look blah blah blah - right *i'm* not - he is

What am I?

Am I dead?

no movement on the house - so far everyone who has made an appointment to see it, has cancelled before coming out


The septic should go in the first or second week of June, though the guy is a bit sketchy on the start date since we've had so much rain

My sister is coming out for my court date - which will be both nice and embarassing



I still have a ton of Steve's stuff - not sure what to do with it. I want to drop it off or send it to him or have him pick it up - but not sure where he is or if he even wants it

The Sun

She hadn't seen the sun for days. Walking as she had, through the woods. Through the wet and cold and rain, she hadn't even thought about the sun. Now that it was up she wasn't glad. The time wihtout the sun had been cleansing for her.

She stood at the top of the mountain letting the sun sear her eyes, burn her skin, smoke through her and burn out what reamined of heart.

WIthout it, she felt, the sun wouldn't matter.

She walked on, empty and burned

I don't like the term "yeast infection"

It's not an infection, it is an over taking

The doctor told me today that it is common

When you lose someone your body goes back to is base state. Its chemistry changes to suite your needs only. When we are with someone the body holds the memory of that person. Their chemistry combines with yours. It makes reproduction easier. Makes sex less hurtful to the body. His body retains that memory as well, undoubtedly his chemistry is changing

If you switch partners quickly there is a time when the body holds the memory of both, not sure which one will win out.

So Mary has some of me in her thanks to Steve. How long does the process take? A few weeks for men a few months for women. Women are the holders. Their body retains more information about the partner(s)

Oh so more likely S and W are together in Mary just as there is nothing in me

I am now my own person, my body taking back itself

I wonder how many men I can hold the memory of? Perhaps it could be a contest

More likely I will end up like Ms U - unfufilled.

At least they have cream for the infection, there is nothing that will let me retain the chemical memory and no cream for filling someone's soul

This is what I want to remember

Leaving him at work that friday and getting that big hug and him wispering in my ear. I love you, have fun, everything is great. Don't worry about anything.

Then the phone call later - are you having fun - I love you
and the first text message - I still have it
Don't worry - have fun - you are amazing

Stoeln Identity

Well someone has opened a Credit Card under my name

Is it him, trying to get back at me - doesn't seem to be his style

Is it her - the 2 of hearts - probably not

Either way I have to file a police report

I'll leave their names out of it, I only wish them to move on - I hope it is not them, it can't be.

Though I did find out I will have to contact him again, funny how many integration paoints there are after so many years. I am finding new ones all of the time

Mortgage problem - yay
Insurance Policy
My sarahedrie domain (I would like to keep it and learn how to manage it) He can have the rest


He never contacted me about forwarding his mail. Not sure what to do there - but I'll send another box when I have enough stuff. I hope he got the first one

My therapist said I was being too caring - I was concerned that he go see his therapist now that he is back (at least I assume he is) and he has an appointment with his Dr soon. he'll figure it out - I'm still his wife but not really. Maybe I never was

Also - both the CIO and our head of Engineering resinged so I might not have a job for very long - The shock was yesterday, the fall out starts today

Two people went home early they were so upset - I would have too if home made me feel better. These days home is my car - that is where I carry everything I care about.

It's reorg time - for everyone it seems

My Doctor told me today that I need to take someone with me to the divorce

She suggested my sister or Walter

She also suggested a restraining order

will it come to that?

Ahhh secrets - there were so many. And I am finding out more and more

two of hearts

note books

touching

Love before love

is anyone honest anymore - even to themselves?

Plan approved, but now I can't get any of the contractors to call me back....

A story for the dead - The Torch

The Torch
Three days ago she had sent him a funny email, one where she opened herself up and was the person she used to be. She wasn’t sure what she was hoping for, maybe she hoped that the person he used to be would read it and respond. That didn’t happen, instead she got the person he was now, pointing out all of the ways she could have done things better and should give him credit for the things he did do right.

She didn't feel like giving him credit for anything, she didn't feel he deserved credit for fucking up what they had had and making her realize that true love was a lie that he told her over and over again because he needed her, not because he really loved her.

She told him to sign the paper, the one last thing that bound them legally, and to send it to her. She decided to wait until she got that to even think about paying his bills, after all she didn't really have to anymore - she hadn't really had to from the start, from that Sunday when he didn't show up, from that Friday when he went to get that other woman and fuck her in their bed and feed her at the restaurants they had gone to and buy her the clothes that she herself had always wanted to buy.

He emailed today - why hadn't you paid the Citi card? I need to know if you will do this ASAP so I can figure something out. She was tired of answering, tired of helping him figure things out. She was tired of bankrolling that other woman and all of her wants and needs on a trip she was not invited on. She was going to do it on the 11th, as soon as the loan check cleared, if he cared, he would have asked if she was OK not if she would pay.

She printed our all of his emails and stood on her back porch crumpling them and filling her pockets with them, then she used the lighter fluid meant for the grill and turned herself into a torch taking all of his emails with her.

How many days has it been, she knows, down to the hour, but this morning, she almost forgot - I suppose that is a good thing

Ahh The Board of Health

You should give out free valium to anyone who has to deal with you

Calico & Creme opened yesterday - I went down to have some ice cream.

I might pick up extra work on the weekends baking pies to try and make ends meet.

I can bake 4 days a week after work (for 2 hours each) and one day a week (saturday) from 4am to 6am for $6 an hour

I could make $60 a week. Too bad it wouldn't be under the table.

Sunday's are usually my favorite - but not this sunday.

At least I wrote about it

The novel will not be published

oh boy is it ever fun to wakt up screaming

I have to go back on the anti-anxiety meds

Does there ALWAYS have to be drama - can't things calm down for ONE second???

Today
- Engineer plan for septic - needs the pump - additional cost 10K
- Check by FedEx from House equity line - first of all it is 3 days late because she "couldn't read the lawyers handwriting" and didn't bother to call to ask what my address was... SECONDLY the check was made out to Steve... Oh yeah *I* am the one on the loan and on the house and the check is made out to HIM - why you ask - Oh - he's "head of household" delay delay dealy
- Real-estate agent - must drop house price by 10K - oh wait I just got a bigger bill then expected then I need to loose 10K more - great
- and last but not least - Steve (and I assume Mary too) are coming back to MA to have some time to find a job. What about your idea of working in a bookstore and renting a room until you could find a real job? That makes way more sense then wasting 1-3 more months with no $ - unless you are going to file for unemployment like I TOLD you you should in the first place

- feeling bitter today - at least I had fun last night at the Thylacine set and am going to see SSD tonight. Maybe drinking and driving DOES help.

what I wouldn't give for a bath right now

Took a few days off to have some fun and get my head straight. No red mustang for me though.

now back to reality - still no septic - still have to sell the house - still need one more piece of paper signed - still need to wait for the court - WAY behind at work. I have to stay at the house until I get the court papers and that could be 4 weeks. I have a check coming to pay for all of this and all I can think of is... HOW am I going to pay off that check

Please PLEASE let the house sell SOON and for a good amount of MONEY - I CAN'T shoulder this debt and have a 500 school loan payment too. If I had known all of this would happen, I probably would not have gone to grad school.

Why are things still so scary. I was always my own person, but now I feel different. Like I am not me. I am not confident, I worry all of the time. I have a really hard time getting out of bed. I am sleeping more then I ever have - and there is so much to do.

I am glad he reconnected with his family - I told him over and over again to do it, and he finally did. Maybe he'll reconnect with the rest of life too. Maybe Mary will finally thank me for going thourgh all of that trash to save those most important pieces of her life. Is that too much to ask, a heartfelt thank you? I have gotten NOTHING from her - and she took EVERYTHING from me.

it seems it is everthing I did not need though. But still when I think of it, I feel ill, I sleep, I wake crying

Thank god for the one good thing I have, it keeps me going.

It has been years (at least 10 I think) since I have been to Club Cafe. Infact - If I even did go it would have been with Lydia and her friend Stevie (I've lost contact with both of them)

I did somehow expect to see Stevie there. Not sure why.

I went home at a decent hour, but I did not really sleep. Today I worked really hard. I got more done in one morning then I have for the past 3 weeks.

But I was burnt by 3pm - so I went to T's house to let the dog out and nap. Now I am up again - I am going to go out tonight too. Maybe Friday night too, who knows.

I looked at an apartment I could not afford today - it made me very sad. I do like my house - could I not just move the parts I like somewhere. Or maybe I should just walk away from it. Leave it sitting empty and abandon like he did to me.

At least my closing is on Monday for the loan to pay the septic. That is VERy good as I owe people $ right now and I REALLY don't want to ask anyone for it. It is HUMILIATING enough to ask for so much help otherwise.



Any way - off to a bath

I had nightmares all night last night. When will this be over - I'm not sleeping well again. For the last three nights I've gotten a total of 12 hours of sleep. And I am an 8 hour a night person.

I've only sen two people this morning and both mentioned I had sunkin eye - ahh skull head. That is me.

Tonight will be fun though

Last night I went to Kareoke at Club Cafe with S and J from work. It was fun - but I didn't go all out. We also went to an Irish Pub just before hand - to get good and sloshed before going to sing... I didn't stay late enough to sing. But I DO have to work today and be out again tonight

at least it is nice out. Such a blessing in that way - I tookt he dog out this mornign and just sat by the lake in the sun on a bench. The water was dead calm and there was almost no sound. I almost felt like I wasn't there. That would be nice - being not there, or here or anywhere.

But I *am* here and must deal and move on. The loan should come thoruhg - thanks to some paperwork signing. I will be able to pay the contractors for the work they did last week (was only able to give the last guy 1/2) and to get the Engineer paid when he gives me the plans (He won't give them to me unless I pay him)

Oh and to pay the town for the second permit which costs $700. Nice lot ehhhh. $200 for the original test (would have been 650 if it had passed - actually he should have charged me 650 anyway - but he didn't - this is the guy who hugged me...)

Then 125 for the town to do a perk test. For the perk test... 400 for the digging guy and 360 for the engineer

That is only a drop to start with. The plans will then cost me another 6K (when all is said and done) and the town another $700 as I mentioned above. And then the replacement of the system... Hopefully we can go with a gravity fed (I hear this is the way to NOT get one of those plastic pipes in your front yard) as the gravity fed is about 10K cheaper then the pump system. But I have to move pipes in my house (UGH!!!)

ANyway - I just need some $ now so I can pay these people and get this moving...

I feel so stuck - why did we have to have this horrible event on top of everything else that was ALREADY unbearable.

It is really unfair that so many bad things can happen at once...

I need a break - something lucky that will change my life for the better

My baby is dying... what should I do?

This is the only computer I have actually fallen in love with and slowly, piece by piece... it is failing

Is there any good news?

How do I find my apple protection agreement?

Is it even in m name?

*sigh* don't you leave me too, OK - I need you

I wrote my first book on you - I poured out my heart into you. I cried all over you... Oh maybe that is it. I flooded it with tears...

You promised me an email - I need one

What a day

So so so bad

And now I am watching House where a very sick woman lied to her girlfriend of 8 years (before she got sick of course) about being alergic to a dog her GF got her for her birthday, because she was tired of the girlfriend and she was thinking of leaving her..

Tired of her - how cruel

It was a very upsetting day - my worst fears for the septic system slowly unfolded over a matter if 4.5 hours. Three man standing in my yard by 2 huge holes telling me very bad news. I had to excuse myself and cry in my closet for a few minutes. When I got back the guy who will most likely eventually replace my system gave me a hug. It is small things that can make you feel better.

I got to talk to someone on the way home (home - ha - I meant T's though I heard today that home is where i lay my head...) and when i got here... I can't beleive how lucky I am sometimes - luck in the face of such terrible sorrow.

Who am I and what should I do...

Do what you must, the thing that you should do for you. But remember it is not just you - there are so many more people you affect every single day. Not to mention you brought her on your adventure - eventhough you have said it is not about her - it does affect her. not that I should care about any of it. I have to take care of me now - you siad so, everyone said so - so why do I still try? 'cause it doesn;t do any good to hate - hate makes you bitter. I learned that from the first divorce

I found a note today - something he wrote while he was DJing my graduation (literally while he was up there giving me what I thought was a present to me for doing what I had done). Two weeks ago it would have put me in the closet. But when I read it all I thought was... wow - how could I not have known, but really I can't know what he doesn't tell me. And he tricked me into thinking it was about S and really it was about us all along.

Or maybe it was never about us - maybe I was never really a part of the us... I guess I just don't know now.

He told me today that it would only be a matter of time before I hated him. He seemed to not only expect it, but want it. He wants to think I hate him - sorry too bad. I guess I never can give you what you want. No matter my intentions... Which were good, but not right for you (at least that is what you said in your note)

I rambeled... didn't make sense... ahh Tuesday - I feel like I have never been normal and won't ever be

I hope I can keep this love

Thank you for calling last night

I wonder constantly where you are and what you are doing - probably unhealthy actually. Actually I don't wonder much while I am awake, but I dream of what you are doing all of the time.

I dream of her too - she is not a cook, but she is always cooking in my kitchen - very meaningful I am sure - much like the knife she stabbed me with in the kitchen

I do want to know what your plans are - I hope I get the email sometime soon

I have to make plans too... Not sure what they will be though.

It's easter - this is one of thos holidays that I always looked forward too, but not for the reasons one would think. I'm not really into Zombie Jesus, but I am into spring and renewal and making a lovely dinner for someone I love. This year Spring came, but there will be no dinner.

For quite a few years we've gotten a honey baked ham and made a lovely easter dinner together. I always found it fun and exciting. This year I am sitting in T's house keeping her dog company. Someone did get me a chocolate bunny (2 actually!!!)- my favorite kind - the hollow ones that cost $.89.... And I can't tell you how wonderful it was to eat it for breakfast. it made me feel so special that that person would even think of getting me something so heart warming.

I am sad though. Spring is renwal - spring is hope - and I am (5 weeks later) almost there?

I had a really good conversation about the future last night (ok early this morning) - how I might move on and what the possibilites are. It's pretty scary - but I can't continue like I am. Floating, wondering. I have to keep moving forward, not looking back over and over again.

It will cost so much money and so many tears - far more tears then I thought I had. I cried again today - watching a makeover show - one he said he liked but I found out (as you do when people are changing their minds about you) that he hated. Trinny and Suzannahhhhhh helped two women whose husbands left them - helped them look differnt so they would feel different.

I am going to try it Thursday night - look differnt, be differnt, do something I would never have considered doing before. I've already done some of this. Some of the things I have done in the last couple of days surprized even me.

Still though I must be the respoinsible one - taking care of T's house and dog. Thinking about how I will care for Steve's cat and for my own. Thinking what I will do in the future - who will fix this, who will pay for that.

I have to write a check to the commonwealth of MA for 210. And I don;t have the $. I don't have the cash to file for divorce - how heart breaking - but my sister sent me a check - just for "fun" $ she said - it will be fun to pay for the divorce with that.

My mom had a dream that I would win the lottery - I bought a ticket - If this can happen to me, I guess anything can.

Does marraige really mean anything to anyone? Marriage is the opposite of selfish.
Should I do it again, and if I did or didn't would it matter?

There are good things today - warm and sunny day with a REALLY nice view of the lake and people sailing. A long walk with Willy - who loves to walk. And the Easter Movie Marathon - food that I am looking forward to, friends that I am looking forward to.

I need to start writing again - make that time - I need to be by myself though - after this week I am not sure what I am going to do... I don't really want to stay with people, but out there by myself - I go back wards in time. I cry and can't concentrait, though this past saturday, with L there cleaning with me... It was OK, she said what I was thinking, wow this doesn't even look like your house anymore...

It is stipped of me, of us, it is a show house with only things in it that will sell. The personal stuff is hidden away...And soon his stuff will be gone, the only thing of his still left is what he left in my body, my cells.

How long will it take to make me new? No trinny or suze here (actually I can't even watch it at my house since I have shut off most things - including BBC)

one more thing I was thinking about yesterday was the L word. How the character I hated took off for the "experaince" she was a writer- she needed something to write about. She betrayed her stability to have experainces. Did I hate her so much because of the character, or because I feared what she did would happen to me? It was such a bright thought I had to pull over to consider it.

Why didn't I do it first - why do I have to be the one left

I want to be the one who is free - ro at least feels free - the lesson is, noone is ever free - because we always bring ourselves with us.

I had the loveliest lunch with Teru and her office mate. Ate too much, talked just enough, hugged not quite enough.

Still though, what a sad time this is. I had to put a note on my phone to not call his extension just to chat - how sad is that. He's been gone a month and still after I got back from lunch I called him to tell him I stopped for tea and got him a tea...

yes, I got him a tea - even though he is not here. Must be the Tinto talking.

Why would you do that, you know he is gone. He can get his own tea. You waited on him too much and not enough on yourself - that is what people say. People also say - what is wrong with her... he left, must have been a reason - I say that too, wonder what is wrong with me, why I am broken.

Can I tell them I was too good to him, my intensions were not what he wanted, they don't care, he doesn't care - do I even care anymore

he said to me - why is it now OK to hurt yourself

I had no answer - cause I still don't know why - nor do I much care

All I want is a real love that you can count on for all time. Not something that was convenient, something taken away on a spring breeze. She always wanted to live in SF. SO he tried it, doesn't like it. Funny that it is the rainiest spring they have had in 20 years, funny that they are expecting an earthquake any day. Funny that he now has a plan. I wish I had one but I don't. I don't know what I should or even can do. I never wanted to start over. I said I would never get married again, and I did. How stupid was I to give myself to someone again. Just like that, my whole heart. And I did love him, still do, can't help it. I still want to love him, want to call him Big Bunny want him to appreciate all that I did. Appreciate me now for who I am. We lost intimacy - he said - but he didn't know what that was, not really. If he did he would know he doesn�t have it with Mary. She doesn't have intimacy with herself - so how can she give herself to someone else.
Actually he told me he isn�t in love with her. I hope she knows that. Maybe he was lying; maybe he is in love with her. I don�t know, for her sake I hope she can accept what that means, I hope I can.

Ahhh there I go again, jealous and judging. I covet her youth and her free spirit, though not her debts and her family. I covet her face and body, but not her insecurity. I covet her free spirit but not her soul. She had everything I always wanted and now she has what I had. She left something behind though, not knowing what she had� Not knowing I would get the better end of the deal.

It is not age that is not a factor - it is reality - it is truth

One saving grace is lunch, the other is an hour drive to spend 5 minute with someone you love the last is friends who want to take care of you.

I have all of this and I have to remind myself of that on those night when I am alone and having nightmares and want to find the sword under my bed and run myself through. Why didn�t you just do it for me? It would have been far less painful then this slow death.

I sleep with it under my bed now, that sword you were so proud of. I sleep with it there incase that man comes back, incase you come back incase I can�t take it anymore. It is sharp � I�ve tried it, it works. Would a Japanese style be too dramatic? I saw it is Sho Gun � I am confident I would have the courage.

Do you remember that Apple Steve? I took a bit and so did you- what happened to it? Its rotting flesh not good enough anymore? I thought it grew into a tree, one with flowers and bees. But I guess it just died and rotted and you expected that all along, longed for it, waited for the time when you could be free of its promise.

Am I in love again? There is no apple, there are no strings. If I had known before what it should be like, would I have taken a bite?

Stop reading this, I am no longer yours � you no longer care what happens to me. You left me on the tarmac. You ran over my heart in the Ben Franklin cab. You only felt bad when you though you made me into you. And you did, isn�t� that funny, I am now you.

You but not yours, not anymore

Stop crying � stop crying � stop crying � dammit Sarah � stop it.

It has been one month and one day

No more Big Bunny
No more little bunny

no Easter dinner



- But it is Spring and love is in the air

You Left My Heart in Pieces
- A story


When I went to the lawyers office, in that fancy federal street building all glass and gold, I passed the downtown church where bums sit outside and ask for money and go inside once a day for food and blessing.

On the way to the office I did not pause, did not even look at the priest outside or the woman whose teeth she held in her hand hoping the priest could put them back for her � He didn�t mean it, she slurred.

On the way back from the office, after hearing the straight and scary story and after writing a check for the retainer (what am I retaining?) I did pause. I paused so long the homeless men stopped asking me for change, stopped telling me to have a nice day. There are 4 doors, all open; I held the handle of one as if it were holding me up. I meant to go, to turn back to Summer street and the T, but the young priest opened it, beaconed me inside.

I was familiar with the chapel, I had been there once before � with Steve � when he needed to dip his fingers in holy water and to genuflect at the alter. I remember being scared to do it myself. Not this time, this time I needed to. I ran my fingers in the bowl of water; cool, somewhat slimy (should holy water feel slimy?). I brought my damp fingers to my head and then to my heart and then back to my head. God, please stop this dream � I whispered to myself.

When I had been in NYC the Sunday (or was it 2 Sundays now) before, I had lit a candle at that famous cathedral and said � God please let everyone be happy. I had no idea that that prayer and candle would bring so much unhappiness. Was there a reason? And now I was asking God to stop this dream, let me out of my life. I lit another candle and simply said � I mean it this time.

On the way home that night to a house full of stuff that I did not want, I thought about all what had happened. Why did I work so hard at things only to have them go so badly? Some people don�t work at all at relationships and they go on for years and years. I remember being so happy to go to NYC. He told me (texted me actually � I still have it in the phone he had shut off but I don�t carry it around because I can�t bear to look at it) that I should not worry � that I was to have fun � that everything would be happy.

I drove and thought about God and about the candles I had lit. About my life and where it had gone, about the house full of meaningless everything, about Steve and what he had done and what he was doing and about the fact he probably wasn�t thinking the same of me. I thought about the fact I had two friends coming over Sunday to help me clean out the house and a dumpster coming the following Friday to get rid of the rest of my life. Why wait I thought and I did what I longed to do which was drive into oncoming traffic under the wheels of a semi.

In situations like that you are not thinking clearly. You think that all you have to do is turn the wheel and magically a truck will appear on the other side of the road. Rt 2 is two way and I turned the wheel and no one was there. No one but the other side of the road and the ditch and a ruined car and a nearly broken wrist.

I was avoiding a crazy driver I said � I was crying so hard and so loudly the police didn�t ask questions. The ambulance took me the short ride to Emerson. I cried the whole time. No one asked me much of anything, not even how it happened. I was afraid they would keep me, take me to that ward and not let me out. Perhaps that would be safe; perhaps I would feel safe from this situation, safe from myself. But I knew that wasn�t me, I could not be there, in there. I lied over and over until I believed it myself, some guy, cut me off � going so fast � I had no time to think. They just nodded, asked me about medication, drugs, alcohol. X-rayed my wrist and ribs, checked me for concussion, was I tired did I know the date? The president (that poser � a smile at least). Hours later � Who can you call to get you? I called the insurance company. No rental car until the next day � no way home. I called a taxi company � sorry we don�t go that far in, here are some more numbers. I called everyone who was not associated with me until there was no one left. I was discharged. I could wait until the next afternoon and the insurance company would send a car there, but that was hours. Who would drive to get me at midnight and take me home so I could get into my bed and finish the crying I had started two weeks ago.

I didn�t want to tell anyone. They would look into my eyes and figure out the real story. They would know it had not been some other crazy driver � it had been me and I had failed yet again. Though I did find out that the exploding airbag would not break my nose in an accident as I had always feared. Irrational fear disproved.

That was the first time I called him for help. I knew he did not have a car, but maybe he would talk to me, he would understand. I found him at work, closing the store after his promotion. He borrowed something, left there and came directly to me. He didn�t speak, just picked up my affects and brought me to the truck. Took me home without asking for directions, put me in my bed, made me tea. He knew the pain too. He watched over me for two days, called in sick for me, checked messages and made phone calls. I was OK, no I was just a little banged up, I just wanted to rest � I couldn�t talk very well. I�m just a friend.

By the time I thought to thank him, he was gone and my friends were about to arrive to help clean out the house. I could not lift anything with my right arm, which made that cleaning ridiculous, but they were OK with me just directing � probably better one step removed. Did you want this porn? One of them brought her kids; they took the games and movies I did not want. They took some of the books I could not bear to look at. We donated or tossed the rest � it�s all in the garage awaiting the dumpster.

It would make a nice book if this story ended with the happy clean out, but I still felt the same inside. None of this would really matter. I could clean and try and start over, but every time I thought of it, the world would get black. I was waiting for one more thing to happen, it always does, but would it be just one more thing. Why hadn�t that truck been there like God had promised. I so want everything to be over.

You cannot sell a house without a septic system inspection. I told everyone of the inspection on that Monday morning when I went to work. I said � cross your fingers for me � a failure is very expensive and I don�t have the $. I dreamed of starting over. The only thing I had left was that possibility � of taking some of that cash and moving somewhere. Tuesday morning all hope of anything but burden was returned. A failure. Could he show me � I could live there forever and he wouldn�t tell anyone but if I had to sell, I had to fix. Oh expensive, I couldn't even say. Low 20K high 50K - it all depends... Why was God trying to keep me in that empty house with all of those empty feelings? I wrote Steve a letter. Desperate now, but what can he do? Ultimately I will have to do this. He did call his sister - said we could split the loan. I made me feel both better and worse.

Tuesday night I had to call again, he was sick with a soar throat, not at work. He told me not to do it, that no matter what I was to remain alive because there was good in the world even if I would have to wait a long time for it. I talked to him while I was immersed in the bath, thinking of all of those movies and cop shows where they find the victim in cold red water, pickled fingers and toes, blue lips, closed eyes. The finders always looked sad, but the findees never did.

Write about this Edrie. Don�t let it overwhelm you. They don�t think about what they did, only you are thinking these things and you said he will help you, take that help, why not. Even if it costs you money � it will be over.

But I don�t want it to cost me anything, my heart is in pieces, my soul is gone everything I thought was true was a lie � were all those cards I found written to me over the years lies? Was his secret heart always hidden to me, even at the most connected times?

None of that matters Edrie. The truth is now � you have to take what that was and put it in a secret place where it can only make you stronger. Now you have to do this, please don�t take yourself away from the world, it�s not worth it. Think of all of the things you like and will miss. Those things we will miss without you.

He stayed on the phone with me for hours. Convincing, talking, and napping. Several people called during that time. My mother three times, Steve�s sister twice, my sister, my brother a friend from Texas. I didn�t answer any of them; I watched the caller ID flash and waited for the message beep and then switched to hear them say one thing or another.

He was always there when I returned. Finally the sun rose and I felt I could hang up. And I am doing this now. I am not healed or cured, I am not feeling much better, but I made it. One more night at a time. One more obstacle to put behind me � though this one is so big.

Before he hung up.

Edrie � Listen, first get some sleep, second leave that house, and third always know you can call me. I might not have the right thing to say but I can be very quiet and let you talk. You deserve to talk and you deserve to work through this and look forward to what you want. It might not come right away, but it will come. Look at me, you and I share this pain, perhaps we can spread it out in a thin layer and break through it.

Get the system fixed, take whatever loan you need and hope that you make at least that back on the house � breaking even is not bad. You will figure it out. This is not all your burden.

Yesterday and today my heart hurts

I think things are really coming down to reality - the first two weeks were so surreal (thanks in part to not eating or sleeping) and this week I've tried to keep things very practical and moving forward.

Granted, I've had ALOT of emotional help (you know who you are my dears!)

but still, walking to the car yesterday I though for a fleeting minute that I would wait for Robot in the rotary and that the weather was so nice maybe he'd like to go to central square to that yummy food place and to Bukaroo... Then I remembered

It happened today too. Sitting in my office trying to do my first real work in 3 weeks... I have the window open and I looked out and it was so nice, I picked up the phone to dial his extenation (as I used to every day several times a day for 5 years...) to see if he wanted to have lunch in the square and get a boba tea.... Then I remembered

Why does your mind play tricks on you like that?

I saw the Dr. last night - he is still very concerend that I not be alone and I am trying very hard - but I sat in the car last night for over an hour in the parking lot of his office just sitting and sitting. Alone

I did get to go to T's house and drink wine and eat food and be a little normal - even recorded something for the pod cast, but still - there is so much heart ache and sadness

People are helping but I wish time would move forward faster

I am desperate to get this house sold and to get the other paper work done - I never wanted a divorce but it is clear that is the only way - why does it come to this

I bit the apple, and so did he - the time we spent together wasn't a lie - right? Those feelings, he really felt them too - right?

I am still scarred, still empty, still hoping - but for what I do not know as it is clear that no matter what I do or what I want - I have to find something that is me to move forward with

Please don't let me make a mistake - or always think of Robot as a mistake. At the moment I don't - I still feel like it was real and that this reality is just altered and doesn't negate the one we had... But I still wonder.

I gave him the best I had - I was my best for him. And he told me it was both too good and not good enough. Is he being the best for himself now - I hope so, that is what I will try to do, bet eh best me and hope that someday someone can appreciate that long-term and not just for stabalization before their next life adventure - I'm through being the in between person. I want to be a forever person
for me.

it is not fair that I have to end this relationship over email

Where is the justice in that?

Everytime the phone rings my heart stops. It's been 2 weeks and still this happens.

he is going to email me his "plans" tonight

I took drugs so that I didnt lie awake and wait for the plans, I couldn;'t get my heart to stop racing and me to stop sweating. I have to get up at 4:15 to take my sister home

i want to get on a plan and go get an explanation - I dreampt where they are. If i hang out there long enough, maybe I will see them

It is one of the places I always thought it would be

Probably not the final destination, but then who knows what that will be

I guess I will in a few hours

when will the pain stop

Sorry about breakfast teru - I'l be over soon

I know where they are - I saw it in a dream during my nap this afternoon

Should I get on a plane?

Back at the house now - here for a few days trying to figure out what to do

I can barely stand one second here - it is good I have the medication.

I spend 1/2 an hour crying in the garage before I could even go in

I hate it here

Had a very nice night last night - felt not only normal but special and loved

If this was meant to be, then that was too and I am greatful for it. Even small things do so much right now

I feel so lost - but perhaps someone will find me before it is too late

friday - has it really been two weeks

When will I wake up

I think I must have been in a plane crash and am now in a coma

You are sitting next to me, reading me my favorite book, holding my hand, hoping I'll wake

Please let that be true

i woke up with my hands not working again today

It made me think - did he leave me becasue someday he would have had to take care of me

he knew this could degenerate. he know about everything - and still he left.

I've always wanted someone I could count on, someone to take care of me. I saw him as that person, but it is obvious now he never wanted to be.

We went to see Eve Ensler's The Good Body - it wasn't as good as the vagina monologoues

The part that bothered me was when she talked about how her lover LOVED her belly, but she hated it. That was the same for Steve and I - it's funny that other people have that too.

But it is weird because I loved all of him unconditionally (even if I hated parts of myself) - every bit of it, from when he was small to when he gained weight. His body always turned me on. His way of being was always sexy

I have to find someone someday that feels that way about me

I know he did. Even when I weighed 220 he loved me. I wonder, does he love me less at 145 - course he hasn't seen me at 145 - only at 162 (which is what I was that sunday)

This is my last night in the hotel, then one night at home with sis then....

then.... indeed

I really miss getting my back scratched

he was the best back scratcher

but where is he now?

I still miss him

I wondered today - is he wearing his wedding ring?

BIG BUNNY are you wearing your ring?

Do you really just not love me any more - did you just stop loving me

I was finally able to do more then just sit and stare at the screen today

I went through all of my emails and then sent a status update to my boss.

I am going to spend Mon-Wed trying to figure out what to do about the house.

The cats are going to my friend S's house. I hate to do that, but I have no choice. I don't think I can take care of them right now.

I have realestate agents coming over. I've been going through my finances and I have 2 months TOPS and then I will be screwed if I don't get rid of the thing

My feelings about this are so mixed I can't even articulate them.

I have to sort - figure out what to sell, toss, give away, keep

I think whatever *I* keep except for a a suite case full... will go into storage until I figure out life again

I wish there was a free storage place - everythign is SO expensive..

and We didn't have any savings - *sigh*

Ahh for the freedome of the open road - maybe I should just take off and drive

My harry potter CD is still in the other car. I wanted to listen to Harry Potter today to comfort myself and totally lost it when I realized it was gone

I have all the rest, just the first one is missing

Why would that make a person cry so hard and so long - such a trivial thing, but it shows such a lack of understanding

Oh well, someday

I don't want to take the pills again, but I am having another panick attack

why is this happening to me

he has a cold - all i could think was, I wish he had taken that cough medicine with him

but he didn't, he didnt take anything important

At least he wrote to me - that does make me feel a bit better. Knwoing he is alive even if I don't know where he is

But where is mary?

Thank you Teru - your blog after our dinner was wonderful (painful but wonderful)

We are all sad - but it will get better someday (who knows when)

Someday he will face me and give me what I deserve - respect, decency etc.

I hope he is not loosing his mind. I really really hope so - but if he isn't, if he is sane - then what am I supposed to think?

I can't write out everything that Harmony said, but I will tell you and I will go back to her.

I have started to dream again - not the frantic dreams I was having. These are sad. The images don't make sense. I woke myself up last night whimpering. Swirling images of a smoky car. A seedy hotel. mary in black, steve with Black hair. My friend C told me they called and she freaked out, it was unexpected and made her very sad. She wished she would have said something different, but she didn't know what to say - she waited for 2 days to tell me about it.

What good does it do really? he won't come back, eventhough he needs to. I have to start cleaning up my life. I was in the house by myself today and I couldn't cope. Could not deal with it all weighing down on me. Is this how Steve felt? Why did he feel he had the luxury to run from it?

He must be having a terrible time. I am the only one who ever really understood him, his thoughts, feelings, moods. Now people are trying to grasp meaning where there is none. C for example, she wanted to hug him to tell him to stay with her, but the words would not come. Then an angry email and she felt sad and angry. They are leaving for a week tomorrow and she can't fix it and told me today she waited to call cause she felt like vomiting every time she contemplated talking to me.

Return to where you were meant to be. See things from other's points of view. Someone asked me today what I did to make you angry enough to leave and I had nothing to say about it. I just went into my office and cried. What indeed?

Perhaps that is why we were so good together. Did he forget? i haven't. I never will.

But I am going to have an adventure too.

I wanted to go to CA with C and S to visit E and the gang, but S acted weird when I told her and C asked me not to come. This made me really angry and sad. I thought they were my friends but they are going to be in "vacation" mode and can't "take care of me". I dn't want to be taken care of, I want to forget. But they don't want me around. See Steve, even people you trust and who are your friends can only be friends on thier own terms. That is what was good about our relationship - we were in it for you and I.

I hope yu find that again - find someone you can treuly be one with.

Call me, if you can find a way to call C - you can call me

I start cleaning the house Monday - I took the day off. things will never be the same and it makes me sad

A little bit each day

So I left work early - am doing laundry now and packing to be away from the house for 4 days

Coming back by myself felt so odd - I see things so differently now

I am much more OK when I am not here, but when I view the sheer enormity of the STUFFF

and this STUFFFFF

No wonder he took off taking almost nothing, the STUFF weights you down.

He really should come back and help me deal with this, I just don't understand what he is so afraid of. it's just wrong to leave such a mess. I took care of him for so long and he promised to take care of me and now when I need it the most, he is not here. How could he feel it was OK to not do the responsible thing?

Look me in the eye and tell me why - or at least call so I can hear your voice. Why can't things be different

And where is Mary in all of this = silent = nowhere. Is she really there with him? Or is she dropped along the way. Did she even exist?

I don;t even feel like I exist. J told me today (when he took me to lunch) that I seemed like a different person, like a shell of who I was, none of the radiance of happy - none of the confidence. Just none of me. He felt so bad. I feel bad, very bad. But what can I do, he won't ever come back. We could rebuild if he wanted. We've done it before, but he chose to not face me.

No email from him today, no call

I've started calling realestate people, and I called the fence people

practical stuff has to happen eventhough every time I think about it, my heart rips from my chest

Teru gave me flowers last night, they are beautiful and healing and made me cry a little

WHy don't I know what he is feeling?

His last email said so much, but still didn't tel my why - it did, but I still feel there is somthing missing

Look into my eyes whisper this into my ear - why why why

Harmony Dawn

I had my very first professional reading last night from a person I know through the music scene called Harmony.

She saw me at the Thylacine show the other night and gave me a big hug. She didn't know what had happned and noone told her but she could see that I was sad.

We went to her resturant and she told me things that made the hair raise on the back of my neck.

I will leave most of it private for me in my heart, but alot of what she said made sense and made me feel like not everything was broken.

Most of all she said that he would eventually be back (april) but I had to choose my life path and if I would choose to let him in or not. And that May 31st was an imporatnat day for me.

She also kept calling me "little bunny", which made me so sad. How would she know that name?

She also told me to have sex with someone who has a pony tail - which was a riot

I guess I better keep my eyes open

I wish I could look into his eyes and see what was inside there

My friend from Chicago called, it was everything I could do not to get in a plane and go there, try and find him

But what good would it do

Why has he isolated me from him life

Maybe I didn't do everything right, but do I deserve this mental torture

Why call others and not me

I am the little bunny

me, noone else really ever got to know him and now he has pushed me off a cliff and I'll never stop falling

why didn't he just kill me

Ther eis so much out there for you Steve - I wish you had let me keep coming along with you

YET another Fing house thing to worry about

The alarm broke yesterday - I had to rush home. My hope was that it was actually Steve comeing home and had just made a mistake, but it was the alarm itself. I had to have a technition out this morning to fix it and nothing is the same as it was before

I also cancelled the calbe access, but left the internet

Can you BELEIVE they charge you $50 to do that WTF at least that will save me $60 a month (after I pay that 50 that is) but I have to have a technition come to the house next Monday

I hate being here alone with those people, maybe someone will come saty with me for the day

I am also going to ask the fence company to come out and put up that new fence - $$$$$$ but I feel I'll loose a ton of $ on the house if I don't, I mean who wants to live next to a junk yard

I am also cashing in my amex points and getting a new stove and dishwasher - that should add value to the house

I hate to have to do this alone I really hate hate hate it

if he would just come back and deal with this stuff too, esp since most of the stuff in the house is actually his - I was surprised actually that that was the case, but when I was going through the bedroom, I literally have 2 boxes of stuff but he had 12 black garbage bags

I didn't get rid of the clothes though, this is not a "divorce house"

Sigh

what am I going to do, this is a nightmare

Here is a weird thing about me - I was never able to have an ograsm while masturbating until Robot showed me how.

This morning , for the first time since this whole thing, I tried to masturbate - nothing, just tired and then crying - remembering the last time we made love and how sweet and loving it was.

************

Then my mind turns on me and I think these aweful things like

Are they using condoms (there were none in the garbage)
Is marie on the pill now - she wasn't a few weeks ago, she told me

Maybe they are not having sex at all - but if they are - what if there is a baby

I am still going to write out everything that has happened - but I think I need a quiet saturday morning for that

I got a call lat night but it was from private... was it him> I didnt make it in time and when I realized, I cried and cried. it was 1am or so (I thin) and I cursed the srugs that were making me sleep

but I know withut them I would be crazy. Lat week they tried twice to put me in the hosptial. I can;t let that happen

I have convinced them that I am eating - it makes people happy to think that

But how can I eat when all I want to do is vomit

Tonight I am going to harmony t get my future told. She begged me the other night, soaid I needed it and gave me a hug. "Please don't hurt yourself dear one. the hurt came from outside not in." How dies she know I want to rip the skin from myu body that he once exlaimed during sex
"you skin is so tight" integrated with your body

Does he care about my feelings. Dont hide from all of this

I want to see him so much I want him to show me in his black pools of eye that this is the right thing

Why do I have to start over just becaue he wasnts to. With this promise of marrage he said i would nvere have to be ithout him. Now its been more then a week

I constantly feel itt. I cant stand this

help me clean up what used to be our life - it is not fair to leave me with the pieces - even Ana said this was the most cruel way

He said he would read this because he cares about me and what I am going though

What do I get from him to tell me what he is going through?

I care too, deeply. I love him

Maybe he is rightk, he can't return, but it is NOT fair to make me go through this stuff

this was his life - he needs to put it away, not run away like a teenager

Why am I left with this, why am I so empty

I wish the house would just burn down and take me with it

How many times can I respond to "how are you"

do peole want the truth - I am destroyed. The person you knew is not inside this body. part of the 14 lbs I lost was my soul

Clonazepam

That is what they gave me help me sleep - silly me it;s not a sleeping aid 9but boy did it work) but an anti anxiety pill

Workd for that too, I've stopped shaking and my thoughs have stopped racing

Am I normal - no
but I do feel a bit more in control

I talked to Steve's sister-on-law last night

She was saying on how she couldn't imagion that his person, doing this to all of us was actually her brother-in-law

She said

"Steve would never do this, it just doesnt make sense. Granted he is capabale of huge change, but its never been change that was cruel"

She said even when she talked to his first wife during his first divorce that it was hard for that woman, but Steve always made her feel loved and like he was going to support her and do the right thing.

Here that is just not the case

What changed? Why would he become the person he hates. Someone with no thought for others

This is not steve

I found another pony

My sister wanted to make cookies and we were looking for stuff and one of the Pony cards was in a drawer.

I love you forever Edrie - love Marie

That along with the dreadlock I found near the bed - oh man

I wish you did love me Mary - I wish Steve did too

why didn't you take me on your adventure

How could this have happened to me

Last time I was divorced it was hard - there was emotional distress but it wasn't like this.

Steve and I were connected, we depended on each other. I needed him and he took care of me like I took care of him

And now - nothing, empty and left with everything again

What is wrong with me? Everyone says I am a rock star, beautiful woman who is so nice and gives and gives, but if the person who is closest to you in the world can betray you like this, what is left?

My sister is leaving soon - then I will be here, by myself with this stuff and all of these memories

This house is nolonger safe for me. If I had a rope I would hang myself from the beams

A song he wrote for me to sing, but one he always sang better - I wish I would have listened then. I am not even sure now what he wanted me to know

Seldome do we see
Our passions realized
Seldome do we free
These visions is disguise
Often it will seem
That floating is like flying
Often it will be
That living is just lying

Tell me what you mean
When you say you are dying
ask me if I trust
The stories that I'm minding
Often it will feel
Like I had perfect timing
Often it will be
The I was only climbing

{Chorus:
If I
Could take away
Every sinfle word
I can't
Say for sure
That I think I could]

Seldome do we pay
the debts of our sins
Seldome do our lives
Give up and let us in
Often it is gray
On the other side of town
Often it will be
We'll never make a sound

If you pay me now
I'll never let it go
And remember that I tried
To realize things I know
Often it had felt
Like I had perfect timing
But really what is was
That I was only climbing...

The realestate agent guessed that he left me and warned me not to get rid of too much stuff, esp the clothes

"people don't want to move into a DIVORCE house" she said

I hadn't considered divorce before she said that and I started to cry - My poor sister - she cries so much too

I wanted to throw out the bunnies, but I couldn't do it

I think I am having a break down

I have never felt like this before

Is there anyone there to help me

Why is my life partner gone - this was forever

it is a very dark time

I think I should not email him anymore. Granted I need him to sign papers and to deal with his stuff, but I am guessing that he has turned a cold hard mind to anything I say. He is so good at it that it is chilling. I tried to help him today, warn him that he might not get back from where he had gone if he was not careful. I knew where he was and didn't tell anyone.
But I should tell everyone, I should hire a private investigator and find him

But what good will it do, I lost him to himself and his mind and his cold heart. I would take him back in a second if he changed his mind, but he won't.

I am cleaning out my bedroom right now - I found this and it hurts so much

A birthday card I wrote him for his 30th birthday

10/10/2004

Steve,

There is so much I have already said, yet still, every second breeds more. More Truth, more Beauty, more Love. As a man of 30 years you have explored much of these in turn and yet the Ultimate Knowledge of each is still a quest. I see this quest as ours to share, ours to map out, ours to complete.

On your bithday I wanted to give you something that you wanted but didn't expect. The surprise party was all about the Truth of friendship, the Beauty of the unknown and my Love for a man who has changed my way of being and living in this "age of (the) empty mind".

For the next 30 I don't want you to "wondeer where the years have gone and if we could have gone along". Instead we will be on that journey with open minds, hearts and souls.

Now the cleche of need - only us, only me only you.

I love you Steve. I wish a satisfying and completeing journey, Remember to stop along the way for hugs, kisses, naked napping and Big/little B(b)unny cuddling

- Sarah

You said it was hard for you to leave your stuff and your family and friends and to do something just for you.

I understand hardship. it does not have to be the way you think it does. People are more forgiving then you ever thought.

Everyone loves you and wants to help you. I wish you had seen that before you left. I wish you had seen the possabilities because they were there. You could have had help.

The reality is... you still can

Come home, call me

3/19/06 � Comment

I decided that all of the stuff in my head needs to get out on paper. Because of the funny way time moves forward. Some of the things in here are true only for the time I have written them (today) and some are true only for when they happened. Because my feelings are constantly changing and what I remember is more or less emotional, I have tried to write the facts as I know them. I only have my side and random emails Steve has sent. I would say I have history as well, the history of our relationship to draw on, but I can�t say that the history matters to this story because is seemed to not matter to him. If it did, would this have happened? It doesn�t feel inevitable, but maybe after I write our life out... I will see it that way.

The bottom line in all of this is that no matter what, I still love him and have a safe place for him to come to. He hurt me very badly and if he can live with himself, I can forgive him.

Come home Steve, Face this. Rule your life like you say you want to, like you say this was for. Face up to it and make it yours. Right now it is something you started but have not followed through on. You are better then that. You know it. You have learned so much. Don�t throw it away out of fear.

***************
What I remember


Steve always wants to feel very closely connected to people. If he doesn�t he gets depressed and doubts his relationship with them. It happened with his first wife and then with me. Here is what I remember of the incident. This is from my point of view, which is the only one I have since Steve left and won�t talk to me on the phone or in person and I do not know where he is.

Steve and I have been through alot he is bipolar and tends towards the depressed. I w3as very happy in the relationship, but it was a challenging one filled with constant work making sure he was ok. He worked too, not just me. He worked to feel better.

We started talking about what he wanted to do in life. Graduate school seemed a distinct possibility. I was encouraging. Happy he wanted to try. He seemed more dedicated to that then he had to anything in a really long time. Steve tends to go overboard when he wants to get into something. Grad school was no different. It was emotional for him. He did tons of research and bought a great number of books and online aids. He was narrowing down his choices. But he was scared I now he was. Nervous he would not get in even if he did his best. I think that fear of failure had a lot to do with him running away. He was faced with a life-changing event and he couldn�t face the fact that he might have to work really hard and still not get what he wanted. I told him to try. That this fear is normal. I had it. But Steve was no confident in his secret heart he thought he would fail. I knew that he wouldn�t if he went into action instead of into emotion.

Then there was the job. He really hated it and was constantly disappointed by his work and his boss and the general way things were done. He tried so hard. But nothing worked. We talked for a long time and he resigned. It really was the best thing but then he got scarred. Now that he wasn�t working he had no excuse but to buckle down on grad school. And maybe that is not what he wanted in life? But what did he want? Then came Mary

Mary is energy in black clothing. She is light and darkness and fun with razors. She excited Steve from the second he knew her. We�ve been friends with her and Walter for over a year but Steve needed a closer connection. He tried several others. Several more safe options before the night Walter and Mary came over.

Mary was self-destructive that night. She gave me a tarot reading that predicted the future that she wanted. Living with me loving me having sex with me. But I was scarred. I wanted her too, but I knew that would destroy Steve and Walter. So I went to bed. She came in with me, tried to convince me, but I said no. I could not ruin what I had. Even if I wanted t o go in that direction I was not fair unless I was open with both Steve and Walter. Mary was not open. She was closed and would never tell Walter her true feelings. Mary drank and Walter went to bed. I stayed in bed. Steve got sucked in and stayed up with her all night. It affected his stability. He was worried and neurotic. She had him. She was inside his head. There was the connection.

He tried to fight it off but it just got stronger. She was everything I was not. Spontaneous where I was a planner. Crazy where I was careful. Young where I was ancient. I love Mary, but she wanted this to happen and it did. She is more powerful then I am. Then we went to their house to hang out. I didn�t want to go. 1/4 of the way there I told Steve this was a bad idea and that I felt ill. He laughed at me. Told me I was silly. We went and had a really fun time. I watched a movie with Walter while Steve and Mary did a bass lesion in the barn. The bass lesion was not all music. It turned out to be furtive passion. Walter and I did not know, we were so relieved that things seemed to be OK again, that Mary and Steve were just friends. We had no idea of the pain to come.

Mary hugged me and kissed me on the lips before we left. Steve shook Walter�s hand. We drove home and Steve was tired. Could not talk. This happens often, but I should have known. I should have seen this coming. The next day I was staying home from work as a treat to myself. I should not have done this, looking back now. But it seems inevitable. Steve took a 2-minute shower. I thought he was acting strangely, but that maybe he was just worried about driving in (he had always hated doing that so I had taken over for the last 2 years). In reality had had taken a bunch of pain pills and a huge knife and out them in his backpack. He was falling over the edge of sanity and I didn�t know. He lied to me, to my face. Told me he was happy I was staying home and to have a fun day free of worry. He told me not to call his cell phone. I had no idea why, but why question your husband whom you love. I am not sure of the exact sequence of events. But he did go to work that Monday (3/6) but left quickly and went to see Teru at her work (10amish). He stayed for along time telling her about things. She urged him to go home to talk to me. She thought he would. He told her about the pills but not about the knife. She did not call or email me until 4pm to tell me. In the mean time I had called Steve at work a few times with no response. I did get a message saying he had quite a few meetings and would be unavailable until 2pm. It was a lie. He was already gone from the office when he left that message. I finally got a call at 4pm from Steve. I knew instantly NOTHING was right. I freaked a little. He tried to tell me everything was OK, but I could tell. He was talking like he used to when he was in the hospital. All disconnected and vague.

I got an email from Teru at the same time. It made my heart sink. I showered and drove in to meet Steve for 6pm in Central Square. He was gregarious but sad. He wanted to meet in public. I freaked out. He told me he had almost killed himself and that he had almost run away with Mary. She didn�t know about the knife or the pills. He lied to her by omission as well. He kissed her, touched her. Told her he loved her. It hurt me so much. I am a clam and rational person, I rarely let anything out, but that night in the restaurant I cried, I yelled I screamed. He had almost hurt himself and he had lied lied lied to me. And now he thought him choosing to come home would instantly make it better. I was so hurt. We went to our favorite hotel. Stayed the night to make it better. He missed a counseling session with his therapist. I wish I had made him go. We bathed together, I felt odd being naked with him. We slept but I was so sad. So angry at myself at him at Mary. I asked him to give me time and he seemed to want to, but in classic Steve fashion, he couldn�t wait as long as I needed.

We talked alot, Mary sent me email. I was jealous at first and then I was sad. Sad for them and sad for me. I thought things would get better. I told him they could still be friends if she was honest with Walter and if STEVE himself faced Walter. She did not want him to, but Steve did not know it was because she wasn't telling Walter the whole truth, just a small part of the resemblance of the truth. (I hope she gets over that - or it will hurt Steve a great deal in the long run)I wish he had done that because Mary wasn�t as honest with Walter as she told Steve she was being. I wish I had called Walter and told him everything I knew because he thought it was a crush. He didn�t know the extent. He was left in the dark. He didn�t deserve that because I have come to find out he is sensitive and sweet and would not hurt a fly (or even a 1/2 dead mouse).

Timing is everything. My sister was coming to visit me for 2 weeks. The First time in 5 years that we would get to hang with each other by ourselves a bit. We decided on a NY trip long before any of this happened. She came on Thursday of that week. We left for NY the morning for Friday the 10th. Steve stayed behind. He told me to have fun, sent me email and text messages assuring me not to worry. I am not sure if it was the beginning of the lies or if that was the truth and because he won�t talk to me in person, I will not know.

Friday night he met Mary at a coffee shop and then took her to dinner at our favorite sushi place (a place I will never eat at again). What he told me of the meeting was that he pushed her away. He stood up for our relationship, told her he didn�t love her in that way and that it could not work between them. He left her to go home and I talked to him that night. He was sad but relieved things had gone OK. He told me to have fun. It was Over he would be seeing his friend in Ct the next night.

Saturday morning I got an email from Walter. Had I seen Mary, did I know where she was? She had told him she would meet him after work on Friday, after going out with her friends. She was supposed to be there at 11 to pick him up. He waited at Applebee�s until they kicked him out at 2am. He had to leave his license because he had no money. He had to call his father to get him. He thought she was in a crash. She never met her friends.
I told Steve all of this over the phone and then in email. Looking back I feel I should not have, but what else could I do? Steve was the last to see her.

This is where the lies really start and I do not know Steve�s truth from Steve reality. I now that he at some point on Saturday got a hold of Mary and that she came over. What he told me he was doing was going to Springfield to see his friend from NY. I found out later that he did not see her. That was a lie to me. What he did do that night I am not sure of. When we talked on the phone he was happy and excited and he said his friend from NY was fun but annoying and that the restaurant in Springfield was crowded. I know he was with Mary then but I do not know the truth of what they did. Nor do I know when they decided to run away. I do know that over the next few hours they made plans.

They packed a few things, they bought toiletries, and they died Steve�s hair. They had sex in our bed and on the couch and perhaps other places. I am not sure. They concocted an elaborate plan to get me my car and to �explain� themselves. Mary was not as thoughtful as Steve. She took the only transportation that she and Walter had. She took all of his money and his guitar. She sent him a 2-line email saying that it was over, but not explaining anything.
Steve was odd on the phone on Sunday. I thought he was sad about Mary, worried about her. I told him to keep calling her, trying to find her. Making sure she was OK. I was worried too. He said he had not heard from her. He told me he would be at the airport, that he could not wait for me to get home (this was hard later, remembering those three conversations � him saying he could not wait for me to get home and me thinking then it was because he missed me, but then realizing it was because he wanted me to find out and for him to stop talking to me like nothing was wrong). There are two details I must mention here. They are probably not important but I think of them now and wonder if I had a clue and did not know it. At 3:03 Sunday morning I woke up crying. I wanted to email Steve or call home, I wanted to go to the airport or have him come get us. But I told myself I was being silly and to just forget it and enjoy my sister's company. At 3:03 that afternoon I began to panic. I am not sure why. I thought I was nervous to get to the airport, but looking back I wonder if it was more. Our plane was really late and when we finally landed I got a text message from Steve. It just said that there was a problem and that I was to get my car at school and gave me instructions on how to do that. I passed out. They wanted to call the hospital. My sister was worried, confused. Made jokes. Did not know whey Steve was not coming to pick us up. Just thought he was too nervous to drive in the airport. Our cab driver was Ben Franklin. He kept me from screaming the whole way to the car. The car had an ID and note in the gas cap. The key to the car was in his office, but not HIS office the outer office. This caused me anguish. His office was dark and locked and it was final, just like I felt. I died a bit when I saw that. Almost passed out again. I gave my sister the note and she read it to herself as we walked back to the car. She cried like I was crying, hurting for me and for what was done. She asked if she could drive but neither of us knew what to do. I almost didn�t make it home. If she had not been there I would have killed myself.

Getting home was the worst thing. Things were packed the bed was unmade. I could smell where they had had sex. He washed the sheets and the cover to the bed. I found a dread lock of hers in our room. I found her hair in my towel. I could see their trash. I could see the things he left including his bass. I could not make out what he took. But it seemed to me he took nothing except things he could sell later if he had too. I had been up since three on Sunday and now it was 11pm. I was so worried. I did not have Walters phone number but I emailed him and asked him to call. He was so upset. I was so upset. I stayed up for nearly 48 hours panicking, not knowing anything reading and rereading that note and catching words here and there.

That fist night I just texted and called his phone and sent him emails. I did not tell anyone but Walter. It wasn�t until 7am Monday morning that I called his brother. And then started emailing and calling everyone I thought he might get into contact with. I was so afraid he was manic. That he would do something. It was a classic manic episode. This very one was written out in an essay online. A man described how his wife did the very same thing. Seemed completely sane but had done all of this elaborate planning and left him at the airport and drive around the country pretending to be someone else. Everyone told me to call the police, but I did not want to. Steve loved me. He would not leave me and he would not hurt Mary or do anything crazy. But I thought he would not leave too so I was confused. Hurt. Unsure. Who was this man, did I even know him? What was he doing and where was he?

Things get foggy here on Monday because of all of the crying and worry and lack of sleep. I will try to say what I did and in what order things happened, but I honestly could have strangled someone and not remembered because I was insane with grief. My mother said it was like I was dieing a little at a time starting with the place in my heart and body and mind where Steve could hurt me worst and extending out from there. Cells slowly sloughing off not to be reborn. I spent all of my time walking around the house with both my cell phone and regular phone in my hands. I checked my email all of the time. I called people. I was like a shell only worried about one thing� contact. I did not get it. I got contact through others, but not directly, it is the cruelest way. The most painful thing anyone can do to you. They said they loved you, but can�t respect you enough to call you. Or was it fear. What did he have to fear from me? Anger? > I wasn�t angry. I was sad. I was anguished. I was broken. Did he fear what he had done? What it was doing to me? Did he fear guilt? How could he not know that after all of these years, this would destroy me? I was angry on Monday. Angry that he wasn�t honest with me. But anger was long gone and all that was left was destruction. Perhaps he hoped for that. Was he trying to be mean? He kept saying it was better for him this way that the supportive way had been painful for both of them in his last marriage. But I think he thought only of himself in this one. He did not remember that I was a person. His Ex called and emailed. He had called her on Sunday. She told me she was so sorry. That this was the cruelest way to break something off. That once Steve made up his mind, no one could talk him out of if. That had never been the case with us. But here I was, on her side, with her hurt. She was still sore after all of this time and he had done it the hard way with her. But both she and I agreed. This was much more hard and cruel. This was inexcusable. But Still I was not angry. I only wanted him safe and home and in contact. I was not even angry with Mary. I knew that if something was wrong and he crashed, she would not be able to figure out what to do.

Even today, 1 week later. I still worry. Still hope he will call and come home. I love him so much and need him and perhaps it is stupid, but I know this would make our relationship so much stronger and give us that connection he so desperately wanted. The one he thought he lost with me. The truth is, he hasn�t. It is still here. I am still here and I love him. I will write more details about the rest of the days, but this is all I can do for now.

Steve, if you read this. Come home. Call home. Start over, but with me. Don�t do what you think you need to do. DO what you want to do, in your heart. Take me along with you on this ride. This is what I am here for. What I was created to do. Take this to the next level. Don�t hide in your head and in Mary�s arms. If this is really not about her like you said and if this is really something you need to do, then it is unfair to bring her along. You have lied to her too and she is lying to you. Don�t make her sadder. Her life has been hard. Be honest. Look at her and look at what you are doing. Could it possibly be the right thing?

I love you. Come home.

Remember � this is Sunday and the story is not even 1/4 told nor is it finished. The bottom line is that I love you Steve and I want you to come home. To talk to me. To make things right

I was asleep for less then 1/2 an hour when I started having a dream that hands were holding me to the bed. I tried to yell and actually I woke up a little and could hear myself yell, but the hands kept holding me, the arms wrapping around me.

My heart is pounding and my mouth is dry

Something will have to change soon - I can't keep this up

I still jump up and run to the window whenever a car goes by, and I know they are nowhere near here. They are in a different state, mentally and physically - sowhy do I hope?

So many feelings thoughts and emotions. It's hard to just be me right now. I can't sleep or eat. I have a hard time being out and a harder time being in. I want to get out of bed and I want to stay in bed. I want to do something crazy and I want to do nothing at all.

You can understand what this is like, I know you can.

Why does it have to be so hard?

They have stolen sleep from me

I finlly went to bed at 3am - only to be awakend just now by this dream:

I am at work, stnding inline for a meeting that has food. Doc is making fun of me, teasing me in a good natured way. I get into line with him and then notice steve is not getting food.

Where is steve? I say. Everything gets dark and Doc says - He's in church. THen Mary runs thorugh the building and I try to follow, but there are students in the way and i can't get to her and I cy so hard and scream so loud that I wake myself here in our bed alone after only 2 hours and 20 minutes of sleep.

My sister told me yesterday - you haven't stopped crying since Sunday, I am afriad for you, do you need a doctor. I don't know, I think I do, I am broken

It would have been less painfulk almost any other way.

You know, he did take off once, at work. He got upset over something and never showed up to a meeting. I had no idea where he was, I just got a tearful message that I could not understand. He had driven somewhere, was thinking things over, doing something not drastic, I am still in control he said.

I am so scared

This is why I can't sleep

My sister and I were trying to watch Howls Moving Castle to get my mind off things

I wrapped the blanket around me and closed my eyes. I must have been asleep but the dream, so real and so scary. I was in my bosses office and trying to talk to a coworker about a problem he is having.

Suddenly I just started to leak blood from my mouth and eyes and he handed me a tissue. I tried to pretend nothing was wrong but it just keep happening, then I got really scarred that I ways dying and tried to excuse myself without giving a clue, but I started to cry really hard and scream and everything was getting black - then I was actually awake, with my sister touching my leg asking me if I was OK. I had been crying in my sleep and was yelling

and my heart was pounding and I was so scared. Will this just keep getting worse like this? What is happening to me?

I feel so many things it is hard to pick them out into one emotion. Mostly I am sad and desperate.

I don't know how a person can do this to another

The foundation of our relationship is communication and he is cut that off totally

I have never been without talking to him for this long. It is ripping me apart. I feel like not even the same person I was. I am so little now, in so much pain. I shake and am unsure. I cry all of the time. Will this get any better? Please, don't leave me this empty shell. Fill me again. Make me whole like I was with you.

You don't have to choose at least don't choose for me

I have slept about 8 hours since Sunday. I keep waking up hoping I can cuddle up next to him and hug him and have him hug me. My heart beats to hard in my chest. It hurts so much and everything is empty. This is worse then death would be. Worse then anything I have ever had to go through.

When my first husband and I divorced it was all about stuff and I was very very angry. But I have none of that anger. I don't care about any of the stuff. I just want him. I would literally drop everything and drive to where he is if he would just tell me. I don't care about money or bills or stuff or work or school or anything.

This is the most important, us, him. Please call me. Don't hide. Tell me everything is for the best and help me get through this. You are the only one who really knows me Robot. You are the only one I have ever shown myself to.

You know me, I wake up happy in the morning, ready to get us up and out and into the world, supporting and helping us. But I have not smiled since Sunday. I have not felt like life was worth going on with. The sun is not a friend, it just means one more day without you.

Please lessen this hurt, help me stop the pain

Oh Robot, I love you so much

I get the urge to text you about 600 times a day. Should I keep doing this or is it making you mad? Are you ignoring all of the emails and texting? Do you wish I would just go away? I can't go away. You have unfinished business. You can't expect the rest of us to dissapear just because you want to.

Dr. Gault said to me today (I went to see him after he called to see how I was doing) that reality would set in for you. The reality of what a good relationship and life actually is. Do you know he has had hundreds of bi-polar patients over the years and I was the ONLY spouse who ever cared to come in to an appointment. That was shocking, but see where it got me. I hope that the reality is soon. I miss you so much. I know you want adventure, but does it have to be without me?

Mary - bring him home or at least let us make a home

I just woke up from a dream where you and I were in a car and e started to crash. My sister was in the back seat. The car spun round and roun and went up on its end a little, we grabbed hands and whispered "I love you". When the car stopped spinning we were in a school with books everywhere. My sister started to pick up the books and you held me.

Then the train whistle sounded and I realized I was awake and crying

Today has been so hard

So many things have happend over the last few days

Here is something I wrote about it

And then there were two

Two couples meet. Man woman. Man woman. There was a connection. Artistic, spiritual and emotional understanding of the way we all were. We held it in check, all of us. We knew that we wanted more, more intimacy more connection. But sought it in our own partners first. Then two, closer, crossing boundaries seeing only the possibility and not the pain. It could have been any combination of two out of the four � the connection was that strong. But the two did not bring the other two, the left over two, along on their ride. Oh, one of them tried. Telling the woman she loved her and wanted to be her wife. But in the end fate chose for them and Man woman, Man woman was switched and it became Man woman and the two that were left.

Now the Man woman travel with a car full of memories and heads full of nothing. Future is future and past is left behind in the houses they once knew and in the empty hulls of the people they said they loved. Selfish passion for themselves keeps them driving, searching for that mythical new life when in reality they could have had it all along. If they had given it a full chance, who knows what beauty could have come with four, but they forced and fled and left the two broken. Why so many lies when the truth was all anyone wanted? Now Man woman are seeking their own truth while the two are left only with reality. Houses filled with stuff that meant nothing to any of them. Hearts and bodies wanting the comfort the Man woman now share with each other. None of us can go back and because of the lies none of us can move forward.

Man woman, tell the truth, stand up, be honest. Face us and your past or your new future will be nothing but the emptiness you are trying to flee. You might be able to wrap this in a pretty bow and store it somewhere, but it will remain in a dark recess, inside you pulsing and yearning and growing until you crash and it suffocates you. What will come of your union except sadness if it is not cleaned and purified? Rumi said the breeze cleans your eye as you face west and travel into your new life, but only if you leave a clean wake. With out that the west never gets any closer

In measuring for the fence I remember my father pacing off the length of a field.

Daddy, are your feet a foot long, I asked, looking down at my own 6 year old nubs

No, he said

But he never came up short or long. The acre was always the acre

Mile after mile he would plow. Lines and turns in the new black soil

I think he still walks the land. Measuring each section. Contemplating what to plant.

Did the farming make him a quiet man, or was he quiet because he farmed. People who work with the land must listen to it, hear its secrets. He was good at knowing each field�s desires. This made him good with people too. He listened and they talked. Talked until they felt that Richard knew everything about them and in knowing them, they knew him. But only the land knows my father. Just as now, he is in tuned to it; interned in it,